Monday, May 22, 2006

My Fox Sports Blog (December) Vol. 1

This is from the Fox Sports Blog I did last December. I figured I would post this so you'd have something to read until I added more to my Blog. Enjoy!


This week on Coach Scooter's Fox Blog: Will we have a college football playoff any time soon, thoughts on my awful fantasy football team and the autopsy on Beano Cook revel's he died 30 years ago but is STILL on ESPN!

College football playoff?

I was watching the Northern Iowa vs. Texas State game on Friday night and it made me think of a few things while sipping on my Schlitz and eating Christmas cookies, which I must admit was a rather unique taste.

First off, I thought Texas State had a female kicker and a QB who was like 46. When I called my co-conspirator for pre-meditated mischief, Coach B, to confirm this, he told me that was a movie and to either sober up, or drink the rest of the six pack. I chose the latter.

As I watched the game, it got me to thinking about all the jugheads who say we don’t need a playoff. If Northern Iowa and Texas State can be playing in December, why can’t Iowa and Texas? Be honest, guys, and say money is the reason. Even Stevie Wonder can see the powers that be are all afraid of breaking tradition, even though it will make everyone richer. If you want to ruin the best sport of them all by not settling the championship on the field instead of hearsay, fine, but at least have the testicular fortitude to stand up in front of the cameras and say, “We don’t want to have a playoff because we are afraid of only making ten million dollars instead of eleven million.” Is college football being run by a mob of Gordon Gekko wannabes? How many yachts do these guys want to water ski behind? Oh, and one final thought about the NIU-TSU game. I thought Stacey Dales-Schurman’s cowboy hat was rather fetching. It’s like The Geek in Sixteen Candles says, “A girl in a hat is so vogue…”

Fantasy Football

I have to tell you about my fantasy football league while I have a second before my Red Barron Pizza is ready to come out of the oven. My team has scored the most points in the league, yet we are at a disappointing 6-7 and are battling for the final playoff spot. Being a long time Lions fan, the first thing that came to my mind when I lost last week was to fire Wayne Fonts, since he must be behind this mess. However, the losses are my responsibility, so I have decided to find out where Wayne Fonts is working, convince his boss to fire him, then do what I always do when my favorite college team, Tennessee, loses. I get plastered on Jack Daniels and watch Telemundo, since I don’t have the heart to watch ESPN because the highlights make me cry. Just so you know, as bad as my Vols and my fantasy football team has been this year, I can now speak Spanish fluently, and have a drinking problem I really need to address.

Please run the table Indy!

Will the Colts go 16-0? Since I have always held the Colts second to my Lions as the team I root for, I am praying like hell they can pull it off. You know why? I am really getting sick of seeing those old farts from the ’72 Miami Dolphins rubbing everyone’s nose in their triumph that happened over 30 years ago by drinking a champagne toast after the last undefeated team loses. Is this the only thing these guys are proud of over the last three decades? You know, a lot has changed since 1972 so I think those guys should get a life. Instead of waiting until the last undefeated team loses, then getting liquored up and reminiscing about the time Jim Kiick farted on Larry Csonka in a pile during the ’72 Baltimore game, why don’t they find the sharpest razor in the world, then go over to Manny Fernandez’s house and ask if they can shave off those mutton chop sideburns. That would be a lot more productive and maybe they can put it on pay per view somewhere so someone can make a buck. Hey Peyton, Edge, Marvin, Dwight, do the world a favor and win out so we don’t have to see Manny’s mutton’s, will ya?

This week’s Red Ass Report

When Beano Cook is shown on ESPN, should I pull an Elvis and shoot out my TV? It gives me the preverbal red ass when a windbag like this gets a ton of cash for sitting on his can once a week (And only during football season for that matter) while I have to replace my bullet hole ridden TV set every Saturday. Surely, Beano Cook must have died in 1950. I know for a fact ESPN props him up in a chair every Saturday, then makes his mouth move through computer animation. Maybe his brain needs a new computer chip since this guy went out with the single wing offense and the flying wedge. Anyone who thought Ron Powlus would win two Heismans and UCLA would upset USC this season has my vote for broadcaster of the year. I can imagine the conversation the ESPN execs had sitting around the conference room table the day they hired him. “Well, Les Nessman couldn’t get out of his contract at WKRP, but there is a guy over at this AM station in Pittsburgh that finished second to Les in the Silver Sow Awards last year that might be available.”


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