The Vols break our hearts once again

Is it just me, or do the Vols find a way to break your heart with every loss? Are they the Boston Red Sox (pre-2004) of the NCAA? Name another team that takes their fans to the brink of a victory, only to be swatted away at the last minute by a dropped pass, fumble, or missed field goal. Last Monday's loss to a UCLA team that was short on talent, but way long on heart and courage, will go down in the history books as one of the most inexplicable losses in the 118 year history of the Vols football program.


I will spare you the details since I know everyone replayed every snap in their minds as they tried to drift off to bed at 12:30am. I know I couldn't go to sleep, so I flipped on Snake Pliskin kicking ass in Escape from New York. I wish Snake could have played a little pass defense for us in the second half. I think he might have a year of eligibility left after escaping from New York and Los Angeles, which is what it looked like we were doing in the fourth quarter. However, the only bright spot was seeing the return of the orange pants with the double white stripe down the leg. It reminded me of when Johnny was running the show in K-Town.

Here are some examples of just how tough it is to be a Vol fan:

1990 - Notre Dame 34 - Tennessee 29


Not only do the Vols score a TD in the last few minutes, but then do the Big Orange Nation a favor by getting the onsides kick and driving down the field only to have an Andy Kelly (Arrrghhh!!!) INT seal the game for the Irish.


1992 - Tennessee 23 - South Carolina 24


In the first year of divisional play in the SEC, the Vols had to win to stay in first place in the East, despite wins over Georgia and Florida. Trailing 24-17, Mose Phillips took a short pass from Heath Shuler and broke through like 345 would be tackles for the TD. However, the Vols try for two points and the win was stopped short. I stuck pins in my Steve Tannyhill doll the rest of the year.



1993 - Tennessee 17 - Alabama 17


In one of the most thrilling, and yet gut wrenching, games ever in the Bama series, the Tide drove 83 yards in the last 1:44 to score a TD to pull within two points. After the Vols D calls a timeout when they see David Palmer behind center, they come back out, and watch him go around end for the tying conversion. "We called a timeout for that?" I had to ask. The clincher was when we were walking out of the stadium, a Bama lady (Well, she really wasn't a lady) yelled at us in a whisky drunken stupor, "That tie feels just like a loss, don't it? You orange (explicative) heads."


2001 - Georgia 26 - Tennessee 24

I still don't remember the walk back to the car after the game, or the ride home. And I was completely sober. That was probably the most devastating loss I have ever seen, until...


2001 - Tennessee 20 - LSU 31

After teasing the Vol Nation with an incredible victory over Florida the week before, which put the Vols in a position to play for the national championship, LSU comes out in the second half and steamrolls the stunned Eastern Division Champs without their starting QB Rohan Davey, or RB LaBrandon Toefield. To this day, I can never look at the Georgia Dome without breaking down in Jack Dainels tears.

2008 - Tennessee 24 - UCLA 27 OT

UCLA was down to their third string QB, who had thrown four interceptions in the first half. They lost their starting RB, WR and TE during the game as well. I thought I even saw some of the pee wee football players who got on the field during halftime get in a few reps since the Bruins were so thin at some positions. No matter, UT found a way to keep them in the game with a Foster fumbler inside the ten and an offense that couldn't move the ball across the street. Of course, Crompton has to lead us down the field to score on the last play of the game to force OT and get our hopes up of getting the win, then Lincolin misses a medium range FG to rip out all our hearts and have them stomped on.

When this happens to all us Big Orange Nation suckers again, and trust me, it is going to happen sooner or later, here are a few things to do to get over the devastation of losing:


1. Observe the three day rule

The Sarge and his solders never call each other after a loss to talk about the game, and have the common courtesy to wait at least three days before talking to each other. This way we all have had a reasonable amount of time to let the healing process run its course. Of course, my Uncle Wayne (Who is a Vol fan like the rest of us) will call right after the game, or the first thing the next morning and want to talk about it. He even read the game account out loud at the breakfast table after losing to Florida last year. I threw my cereal bowl into the sink (from where I was sitting at the breakfast table, which was quite a throw, but did not impress the wife) and said, "Uncle Wayne, I saw the game. I know what happened. Give me the damn Home and Garden section, will ya?" I had a case of the red ass that lasted for three months, let me tell ya...


2. Foghat is a proven cure all

After a painful loss, go to a quite spot in your house and put on Foghat's "Fool for the City" album. Bring along a little "Daddy's Apple Juice," listen to the tunes then close your eyes and think about Tee Martin, Al Wilson, or Leonard Little. Something about a little Foghat, a good whisky buzz and memories of some of the great players in UT history will perk you up.

3. Boycott the media


Reading the Sunday paper or watching ESPN SportsCenter will only piss you off even more. For me, it's like having a girl break up with you, then ten minutes later she calls and says, "Oh, I just wanted to remind you I dumped your sorry ass." Same principal applies here because each time you see how much your Vols disappointed you, it only makes it worse. Take my advice, boycott the media until at least Wednesday. By the way, it was good to see Beano Cook on TV last week (right)...
(Quiet, Dainelson, you'll get yours in a few weeks)




4. Watch Telemundo

During the debacle of the 2005 season, this was a HUGE help to my plight. There are some really interesting storylines on Telemundo, and even though I don't understand what they are saying, I can tell when the blond Mexican woman (that has to be a dye job) is getting ready to go visit "Daddy One Time" with Ramon, the cabana boy who wears a T-shirt reading, "I'm Dirty Sanchez." Talk about taking your mind off your troubles, right Cowboy?




5. Have a man to man with Mr. John Daniels (Yeah, I know his name is Jack, but when you have known him as long as I have...)

After a while, he really does begin to make sense. Here I am talking to him after seeing our Brave Boys in Orange go down the tubes...




Try these out during the year and let me know how they worked for you.


All right, we have a week off before UAB comes to town. Let's hope it's not anything like the 2005 game or we will start trying out the above mentioned list a lot sooner than we thought. Don't jump off the bandwagon just yet since there is a lot of football left to be played. Hang in there, Vol fans, it's only September.

Don't forget to rub those orange and white rosary beads, repeat your game maxims and never take Coach Fulmer's name in vain. Until next week, Go Big Orange!