Oh, Billy, Billy, Billy...this is a biggie, Billy.....

Every September, we find out just what kind of foot ball team we have in Big Orange Country, and hopefully the mighty Vols will have a much better September in '08 than they did in '07. A loss here and the natives will really become restless, especially since this will be a Vol senior class that would not have beaten the Gators. Yes, this one is a biggie for the Vols....


Last year Florida scored a bazillion points, and at last check, Tebow just ran for another 15 so the Gators just got a first down and are looking to make the score 2 bazillion to 20.


To add a big stink burger to the mess that the Florida visit will do to all of us praying for a miracle, the game will be broadcast by CBS, which means "The Genius" Gary Dainelson will once again re-ignite his love affair with the Gators and Tim Tebow. Geeze, Dainelson. He's so dumb, he sits on the TV and watches the couch... I have nothing against Tebow. I think he is a great player and classy, but listening to "The Genius" drool over him for three and a half hours every Saturday makes me want to barf. Then again, Dainleson could be talking about a cake recipe and I would still barf. God bless Verne Lundquist...




Enough of the fright fest we'll see in Knoxville, let's discuss something else. What would you do if you were the king of college football? Yeah, I know, I'll have some yahoo from Piney Flats or Cedar Bluff writing in, "By God, I'd bring back Jill Arringotn." Although their hearts are in the right place, I'm talking about ways to make the game even better than it is, if that is possible. Here is my list, so compare it with yours.


1. All games will be played on Saturday at 2:00pm


I would make exceptions for LSU and LSU only since that is a tradition that goes back to Gov. Huey Long. (Which makes me want to shout, "IEEEEAHHHHHH" just like John Goodman did in Everyone's All-American, then kiss the statue of The Kingfish). What's better than a fall afternoon when you can see the sunlight reflecting off the Crimson helmets of Alabama, or the silver pants of Georgia, the way the sun refelcts off the ice cubes in your bourbon in The Grove at Ole Miss, and of course, the orange coat that Smokey IX wears?


As I am writing this Blog, I am watching Kansas State play Louisville. And it's a WEDNESDAY night! Apparently, they did this since the Ryder Cup was in town and they didn't want to go head to head against the golf match. Hmm, that should tell you the magnitude of those two tradition rich programs. You try to do that at Auburn, Athens, or Knoxville and there wouldn't be any opposition since everyone would be at the game. Golf? Once September rolls around? Ha ha, that's rich I'll say. And if there were any opposition, you'd see a fight the size of the bar room brawl in Hooper.




2. There would be a playoff


To all those strap hangers who whine that it would kill college football, these were the same yokels who said the three point line and the shot clock would kill college basketball. Have all your confrerence champions go to the playoffs, that way it wouldn't dilute the importance of the regular season, and then have some fun. Could you imagine the excitement those few weeks of pure football heaven would bring? The last time I can recall being that excited, someone left two boxes of doughnuts outside our church with a sign reading, "Free doughnuts, please take." That was one of the greatest days of my life...


3. No artificial turf, poly turf, field turf, or the substance that was the main ingredient in Hank Stram's toupee.


I want to see the grass stain lines on the thigh pads after diving for a ball. Or the blades of grass that end up on a helmet. And even when a player gets smashed to the turf, he has to pluck the clump out of his facemask.


4. No USFL type jerseys


Did you guys see the Va. Tech jerseys last Saturday? They all looked like a test pattern for color TV. And what is with all the stripes going every direction on the jerseys? And the stripes on the UNC pants? It looked like the paint guy started the job then went on a lunch break to Shakeys Pizza and got loaded and never came back. Some of the new jerseys look like the rejects from that Players football series on ESPN. Can't we have some tradition here? Why don't these Project Runway wannabes (Sorry, my wife loves that show so that's how I know about it) look at Penn State, or Bama, or USC and get some good ideas for outfitting their clients?



5. Bring back Jill Arrington

Aw, the more I thought about it, I agree with that one. Until that day comes, however I will just have to keep my Holly Rowe reading the ESPN College Football Encyclopedia while wearing a tight little Waffle House waitress uniform fantasy alive for another season.




Mailbag


Bulldawg Bry wrote:


Sarge,

In all seriousness, I'm sick about that loss. If for no other reason than to have to listen to all that "PAC 10 is back" BS. Not that I've ever noticed after the Dawgs lose, but the sun does come out and they will play, and win, again. UT has been screwing me over for years; I need them to lose, they win. Need a win? Loss. That's good news for the Volnation this year.

On another note, UAB's coach is former Georgia OL coach (and ghost OC) Neil Callaway. He left our offensive line in shambles for years. I'm putting a bounty on his head - any Vol that runs into the sideline and takes him out ala Joe Paterno style, gets $100 of my own money.
Can I put a bounty on a man's head? I just did.



I agree that we should have got Killer Carlson from Slapshot to put a bounty on the head of not only Neil Calloway, but also Rick Neuheisel, Nick Saban and Urban Meyer. Then again, that's 400 big ones, so I will settle for someone taking out just Neuheisel since he is a butt nut. Maybe we can get the guy who KO'ed "The Whopper" Charlie Weis? He's so fat, when he goes to an all you can eat restaurant, they have to install speed bumps.





Thanks, Bry, and best of luck to the Dawgs in Arizona. I hope they carry the banner of the SEC much better than my Vols did.


All right Vols, let's get together and pull for our brave boys in orange during their first big test of the year. As always, rub those orange and white rosary beads, repeat your game maxims and never take Coach Fulmer's name in vain. Go Big Orange!