Sgt. Scooter's College Football Report

Oh, Billy, Billy, Billy...this is a biggie, Billy.....

2008-09-17T19:52:00.025-04:00

Every September, we find out just what kind of foot ball team we have in Big Orange Country, and hopefully the mighty Vols will have a much better September in '08 than they did in '07. A loss here and the natives will really become restless, especially since this will be a Vol senior class that would not have beaten the Gators. Yes, this one is a biggie for the Vols....

Last year Florida scored a bazillion points, and at last check, Tebow just ran for another 15 so the Gators just got a first down and are looking to make the score 2 bazillion to 20.

To add a big stink burger to the mess that the Florida visit will do to all of us praying for a miracle, the game will be broadcast by CBS, which means "The Genius" Gary Dainelson will once again re-ignite his love affair with the Gators and Tim Tebow. Geeze, Dainelson. He's so dumb, he sits on the TV and watches the couch... I have nothing against Tebow. I think he is a great player and classy, but listening to "The Genius" drool over him for three and a half hours every Saturday makes me want to barf. Then again, Dainleson could be talking about a cake recipe and I would still barf. God bless Verne Lundquist...

Enough of the fright fest we'll see in Knoxville, let's discuss something else. What would you do if you were the king of college football? Yeah, I know, I'll have some yahoo from Piney Flats or Cedar Bluff writing in, "By God, I'd bring back Jill Arringotn." Although their hearts are in the right place, I'm talking about ways to make the game even better than it is, if that is possible. Here is my list, so compare it with yours.

1. All games will be played on Saturday at 2:00pm

I would make exceptions for LSU and LSU only since that is a tradition that goes back to Gov. Huey Long. (Which makes me want to shout, "IEEEEAHHHHHH" just like John Goodman did in Everyone's All-American, then kiss the statue of The Kingfish). What's better than a fall afternoon when you can see the sunlight reflecting off the Crimson helmets of Alabama, or the silver pants of Georgia, the way the sun refelcts off the ice cubes in your bourbon in The Grove at Ole Miss, and of course, the orange coat that Smokey IX wears?

As I am writing this Blog, I am watching Kansas State play Louisville. And it's a WEDNESDAY night! Apparently, they did this since the Ryder Cup was in town and they didn't want to go head to head against the golf match. Hmm, that should tell you the magnitude of those two tradition rich programs. You try to do that at Auburn, Athens, or Knoxville and there wouldn't be any opposition since everyone would be at the game. Golf? Once September rolls around? Ha ha, that's rich I'll say. And if there were any opposition, you'd see a fight the size of the bar room brawl in Hooper.

2. There would be a playoff

To all those strap hangers who whine that it would kill college football, these were the same yokels who said the three point line and the shot clock would kill college basketball. Have all your confrerence champions go to the playoffs, that way it wouldn't dilute the importance of the regular season, and then have some fun. Could you imagine the excitement those few weeks of pure football heaven would bring? The last time I can recall being that excited, someone left two boxes of doughnuts outside our church with a sign reading, "Free doughnuts, please take." That was one of the greatest days of my life...

3. No artificial turf, poly turf, field turf, or the substance that was the main ingredient in Hank Stram's toupee.

I want to see the grass stain lines on the thigh pads after diving for a ball. Or the blades of grass that end up on a helmet. And even when a player gets smashed to the turf, he has to pluck the clump out of his facemask.

4. No USFL type jerseys

Did you guys see the Va. Tech jerseys last Saturday? They all looked like a test pattern for color TV. And what is with all the stripes going every direction on the jerseys? And the stripes on the UNC pants? It looked like the paint guy started the job then went on a lunch break to Shakeys Pizza and got loaded and never came back. Some of the new jerseys look like the rejects from that Players football series on ESPN. Can't we have some tradition here? Why don't these Project Runway wannabes (Sorry, my wife loves that show so that's how I know about it) look at Penn State, or Bama, or USC and get some good ideas for outfitting their clients?

5. Bring back Jill Arrington

Aw, the more I thought about it, I agree with that one. Until that day comes, however I will just have to keep my Holly Rowe reading the ESPN College Football Encyclopedia while wearing a tight little Waffle House waitress uniform fantasy alive for another season.

Mailbag

Bulldawg Bry wrote:

Sarge,

In all seriousness, I'm sick about that loss. If for no other reason than to have to listen to all that "PAC 10 is back" BS. Not that I've ever noticed after the Dawgs lose, but the sun does come out and they will play, and win, again. UT has been screwing me over for years; I need them to lose, they win. Need a win? Loss. That's good news for the Volnation this year.

On another note, UAB's coach is former Georgia OL coach (and ghost OC) Neil Callaway. He left our offensive line in shambles for years. I'm putting a bounty on his head - any Vol that runs into the sideline and takes him out ala Joe Paterno style, gets $100 of my own money.
Can I put a bounty on a man's head? I just did.

I agree that we should have got Killer Carlson from Slapshot to put a bounty on the head of not only Neil Calloway, but also Rick Neuheisel, Nick Saban and Urban Meyer. Then again, that's 400 big ones, so I will settle for someone taking out just Neuheisel since he is a butt nut. Maybe we can get the guy who KO'ed "The Whopper" Charlie Weis? He's so fat, when he goes to an all you can eat restaurant, they have to install speed bumps.

Thanks, Bry, and best of luck to the Dawgs in Arizona. I hope they carry the banner of the SEC much better than my Vols did.

All right Vols, let's get together and pull for our brave boys in orange during their first big test of the year. As always, rub those orange and white rosary beads, repeat your game maxims and never take Coach Fulmer's name in vain. Go Big Orange!

The Vols break our hearts once again

2008-09-04T20:42:00.019-04:00

Is it just me, or do the Vols find a way to break your heart with every loss? Are they the Boston Red Sox (pre-2004) of the NCAA? Name another team that takes their fans to the brink of a victory, only to be swatted away at the last minute by a dropped pass, fumble, or missed field goal. Last Monday's loss to a UCLA team that was short on talent, but way long on heart and courage, will go down in the history books as one of the most inexplicable losses in the 118 year history of the Vols football program.

I will spare you the details since I know everyone replayed every snap in their minds as they tried to drift off to bed at 12:30am. I know I couldn't go to sleep, so I flipped on Snake Pliskin kicking ass in Escape from New York. I wish Snake could have played a little pass defense for us in the second half. I think he might have a year of eligibility left after escaping from New York and Los Angeles, which is what it looked like we were doing in the fourth quarter. However, the only bright spot was seeing the return of the orange pants with the double white stripe down the leg. It reminded me of when Johnny was running the show in K-Town.

Here are some examples of just how tough it is to be a Vol fan:

1990 - Notre Dame 34 - Tennessee 29

Not only do the Vols score a TD in the last few minutes, but then do the Big Orange Nation a favor by getting the onsides kick and driving down the field only to have an Andy Kelly (Arrrghhh!!!) INT seal the game for the Irish.

1992 - Tennessee 23 - South Carolina 24

In the first year of divisional play in the SEC, the Vols had to win to stay in first place in the East, despite wins over Georgia and Florida. Trailing 24-17, Mose Phillips took a short pass from Heath Shuler and broke through like 345 would be tackles for the TD. However, the Vols try for two points and the win was stopped short. I stuck pins in my Steve Tannyhill doll the rest of the year.

1993 - Tennessee 17 - Alabama 17

In one of the most thrilling, and yet gut wrenching, games ever in the Bama series, the Tide drove 83 yards in the last 1:44 to score a TD to pull within two points. After the Vols D calls a timeout when they see David Palmer behind center, they come back out, and watch him go around end for the tying conversion. "We called a timeout for that?" I had to ask. The clincher was when we were walking out of the stadium, a Bama lady (Well, she really wasn't a lady) yelled at us in a whisky drunken stupor, "That tie feels just like a loss, don't it? You orange (explicative) heads."

2001 - Georgia 26 - Tennessee 24

I still don't remember the walk back to the car after the game, or the ride home. And I was completely sober. That was probably the most devastating loss I have ever seen, until...

2001 - Tennessee 20 - LSU 31

After teasing the Vol Nation with an incredible victory over Florida the week before, which put the Vols in a position to play for the national championship, LSU comes out in the second half and steamrolls the stunned Eastern Division Champs without their starting QB Rohan Davey, or RB LaBrandon Toefield. To this day, I can never look at the Georgia Dome without breaking down in Jack Dainels tears.

2008 - Tennessee 24 - UCLA 27 OT

UCLA was down to their third string QB, who had thrown four interceptions in the first half. They lost their starting RB, WR and TE during the game as well. I thought I even saw some of the pee wee football players who got on the field during halftime get in a few reps since the Bruins were so thin at some positions. No matter, UT found a way to keep them in the game with a Foster fumbler inside the ten and an offense that couldn't move the ball across the street. Of course, Crompton has to lead us down the field to score on the last play of the game to force OT and get our hopes up of getting the win, then Lincolin misses a medium range FG to rip out all our hearts and have them stomped on.

When this happens to all us Big Orange Nation suckers again, and trust me, it is going to happen sooner or later, here are a few things to do to get over the devastation of losing:

1. Observe the three day rule

The Sarge and his solders never call each other after a loss to talk about the game, and have the common courtesy to wait at least three days before talking to each other. This way we all have had a reasonable amount of time to let the healing process run its course. Of course, my Uncle Wayne (Who is a Vol fan like the rest of us) will call right after the game, or the first thing the next morning and want to talk about it. He even read the game account out loud at the breakfast table after losing to Florida last year. I threw my cereal bowl into the sink (from where I was sitting at the breakfast table, which was quite a throw, but did not impress the wife) and said, "Uncle Wayne, I saw the game. I know what happened. Give me the damn Home and Garden section, will ya?" I had a case of the red ass that lasted for three months, let me tell ya...

2. Foghat is a proven cure all

After a painful loss, go to a quite spot in your house and put on Foghat's "Fool for the City" album. Bring along a little "Daddy's Apple Juice," listen to the tunes then close your eyes and think about Tee Martin, Al Wilson, or Leonard Little. Something about a little Foghat, a good whisky buzz and memories of some of the great players in UT history will perk you up.

3. Boycott the media

Reading the Sunday paper or watching ESPN SportsCenter will only piss you off even more. For me, it's like having a girl break up with you, then ten minutes later she calls and says, "Oh, I just wanted to remind you I dumped your sorry ass." Same principal applies here because each time you see how much your Vols disappointed you, it only makes it worse. Take my advice, boycott the media until at least Wednesday. By the way, it was good to see Beano Cook on TV last week (right)...
(Quiet, Dainelson, you'll get yours in a few weeks)

4. Watch Telemundo

During the debacle of the 2005 season, this was a HUGE help to my plight. There are some really interesting storylines on Telemundo, and even though I don't understand what they are saying, I can tell when the blond Mexican woman (that has to be a dye job) is getting ready to go visit "Daddy One Time" with Ramon, the cabana boy who wears a T-shirt reading, "I'm Dirty Sanchez." Talk about taking your mind off your troubles, right Cowboy?

5. Have a man to man with Mr. John Daniels (Yeah, I know his name is Jack, but when you have known him as long as I have...)

After a while, he really does begin to make sense. Here I am talking to him after seeing our Brave Boys in Orange go down the tubes...

Try these out during the year and let me know how they worked for you.

All right, we have a week off before UAB comes to town. Let's hope it's not anything like the 2005 game or we will start trying out the above mentioned list a lot sooner than we thought. Don't jump off the bandwagon just yet since there is a lot of football left to be played. Hang in there, Vol fans, it's only September.

Don't forget to rub those orange and white rosary beads, repeat your game maxims and never take Coach Fulmer's name in vain. Until next week, Go Big Orange!

Welcome Back!

2008-08-26T22:03:00.002-04:00

Hello Vol fans, Sgt. Scooter is back after an 8 month hibernation!

To get us all ready for the big game on Monday against UCLA, I am putting up a column sent by one of my fellow solders of the Big Orange Army on the site today. I am sure after reading it, you will get the chill bumps, your heart will start racing faster, and you might get a little tear in your eye. I know the Sarge did when I read it.

I will have the UCLA recap on the site after the game, as well as check out www.bigorangearmy.com for the Sarge on video. Go Vols!!!

Sgt. Scooter

I am Tennessee . . . . .I am Tennessee. I am the 30 year old couple coming back to campus for the first time with both little ones in tow. One wears her orange and white cheerleader outfit; the other wears #16 even though he's too young to understand why.

I am the 50 year old man who hoped no one saw tears in his eyes when the T was formed by the band. I was too choked even to sing "Rocky Top." For a moment I felt foolish and then I didn't care. God, I love this place.

I am the 60 year old woman meeting her freshman grand-daughter who is now the 3rd generation of UT students in our family. Despite my age, I'd strap it on Saturday and hit someone if it weren't for my gender and this blasted arthritis.

I am Tennessee and I have always believed I was different. You can see it when you look up into the stands. My orange is not the same as Florida's or Auburn's. But the differences go much deeper than my colors.Read my creed. What other school has one? I genuinely believe in these things. To be a real Tennessee man or woman speaks of character, not of geography. All are welcome to walk though my gates, not just the wealthy or the elite.

Georgia and Alabama may have their nations, but we have always been family. Make no mistake, we loathe defeat, but even in defeat, we would rather be a Tennessee Vol than anything else. We are family and you are the sons of Heisman, the sons of Majors and Neyland. You come from a long line of brothers who names include White,Gault, Wilson, Manning, Shuler, Nash and Mahelona. It is a great heritage.

So this Saturday, when the warm ups are over and the prayers and amen spoken, when you hear my thunder growing in the stands above you, when you stand in the tunnel and the smoke begins to form, listen for my voice when you run onto my field. Behind the frenzy of the shakers and deafening roar,I will tell you something in a whisper you may miss. I will be telling you that you are my sons and I am proud of you for the way you wear the orange and white. I am telling you that you are my sons and I love you.

Tennessee is so much more than a state or a school or a team or a degree.It is something that, once you have experienced it, will live inside of you forever and become a part of what makes up who you are.It is driving into town on a game day. You may have come from hundreds of miles away and as you get closer and closer to the city limits, you feel it rising inside of you. Other cars on the highway proudly display their Orange and White flags or magnets or car tags, and you honk and wave at them, because, for that one day, you are all on the same team.

It is the smell in the air and the ritualistic act of tailgating...catching up with old friends, making new ones, and invitations from perfect strangers to try their ribs or watch their satellite TV showing all of the day's important match-ups...of course, all being secondary to the one that will occur in the great cathedral of Neyland Stadium later that day.

It is the Vol Walk...where you might just see 300 pound men overcome with emotion and weeping with pride, because you have come there to cheer them on. As they walk by, you might exchange a glance with one or two of them, and you can see it in their eyes...it is going to be their day.

It is the students...dressed in their best, because going to a Tennessee game is like going to church for Tennessee people....you show the same respect as you would if you were in God's house. Those students remind you of the days when you were walking in their shoes and Tennessee was your home...but then you realize, in many ways, it is still and always will be HOME.

It is that lump that rises in your throat when the band plays Rocky Top as the "T" is formed.It is walking around on a "foreign" and sometimes hostile campus. You are easily identified (Tennessee people always are) and the enemy jeers and shouts things at you to mask their feelings of intimidation. But just then you happen upon a friend you have never met before. You know they are your friend by the colors they wear or the shaker in their hand. You exchange a"Go Vols" and a confident grin, because he/she knows what you know.

It is when your heart leaps with every touchdown, field goal, sack, and interception...because those are our boys. And win or lose, they will always have our undying support. After all, it is those boys that you are really there for and not a coach or a logo or a trustee or a president.It is the complete and utter exhilaration of walking away victorious over a worthy opponent...that feeling of pride and accomplishment as if it were your own feet that had crossed the goal line scoring the last points yourself...that feeling of wanting to scream "Go Big Orange" at the top of your lungs and hug complete strangers...and then there is the ultimate high of defeating your most hated foes from across the state.

No words can describe what this feels like, but you know because you have experienced it.It is the sheer agony of defeat as the last minutes tick off of the clock and you realize that all hope of a victory is gone. You feel like crying and maybe you do...then you hear the faint sounds of a cheer that grows louder and louder...."Its Great To Be A Tennessee Vol."

It is knowing that year after year, no matter how things change in our hectic lives, you can always come back to "the Loveliest Place on the River"...the place where you came from...your home. It will probably look a little different and there will be new names on the backs of the jerseys,but deep down, no matter what, it is still the same. You still love it as much as you always have, because Tennessee is as much a part of you as your arms and your legs and the orange blood that runs through your veins.

And, finally, it is the feeling you have right now as you read these lines....the anticipation inside of you, because you know its almost time....Its about to start all over again...but then it really never goes away, does it?

GO BIG ORANGE!

2007-12-06T12:15:00.000-05:00

Don't miss the Sarge's SEC Championship game recap coming Friday!

SEC Championship Week

2007-11-29T16:40:00.000-05:00

The Vols are going to Atlanta to play for the SEC Championship!

For those of you who are still alive, and for a time, I wasn’t sure if the Sarge was going to check in to the big Neyland Stadium in the sky, it is time to put every ounce of energy into one final game to get our brave boys in orange ready for the always tough LSU Tigers. Whatever you do, don’t watch a replay of the Kentucky game. The Vols might not have won. By the way, the Sarge was doing his Ryan Karl imitation (bottom left) after the game was over…

The Sarge will be in the Dome with one of the best seats in the house as he will be covering the game for a local paper here in Atlanta. And before you ask, the answer is yes, if I see Danielson in the press box, I am going to slap him so hard he will begin to make sense, and then I am going to make him hold my coat.

Coach Fulmer’s weekly press conference comments:

“Needless to say, we are very excited about the opportunity to represent the Southeastern Conference Eastern Division in the championship game. I believe that it is one of the greatest settings in all of college football. I’ve been fortunate to go a lot of places and play in a lot of stadiums in a lot of big games and, to me, the Southeastern Conference has created an environment there that is almost second to none.

“We’re a young football team. I don’t think that it will happen, but I in no way want them to be intimidated by the setting. It is one of the greatest opportunities that they will have. I have two notes that I made to myself that I kept on my desk all year long. One of them is ‘have fun,” and we have had fun with this team. It has been frustrating at times for them and for us as a staff and the people that follow our program. The players have been responsive, and that’s the fun part about it. The second one says “I believe,” and I have not lost any faith in this football team all year long when we understand how we have to play as a team. It has been challenging; it has been very fun, and the fun has overridden any frustration that we had with our group because it is a wonderful group of young men to work with and to coach.

“When you look at LSU—and we have seen them all year long on film because of common opponents—they are a very talented football team. Offensively, the balance they can present you with makes it really difficult. The quarterback is a heck of a player. He’s done an outstanding job of leading their offense. They are so multiple and do so many things that they are hard to defend. They have a big, physical offensive front, outstanding receivers, an outstanding running back, really just the whole package as an offense.

Thanks to all the great Vol fans like these guys:

Here is a shout out to some great Vol fans that made the trip north to support the Vols, while risking a chance of a Joe B. Hall sighting. Trust me, Vol fans, that’s one joker I NEVER want to see again. My cousin Stew once went to the Joe B. Hall basketball camp and he ran into the old coach coming out of the locker room wearing only a towel and sipping on a can of RC Cola. Stew is still in rehab somewhere in Tennessee and due for release sometime in the year 2017.

From the left, Private Michael Erpenbach, Private Conner Harville, the multi-talented Erik Ainge, and Private Christopher Erpenbach. It is great UT fans like you guys that got the Vols through Saturday’s game!

Announcer Review

"Foster runs it outside down the sideline and is bumped out of bounds and will stop the clock. Well, the clock's not running. Oh, we're in overtime."- Craig Bolerjack

Great insight, Bolerjack. I was telling Coach B that Bolerjack’s name reminds me of the name of the cheese log my Uncle Ted gave us one Christmas with his Hickory Farms employee discount.

"Florida State has a chance to win this game by outscoring the Gators."- Lee Corso

Can they win even if they don’t outscore them? Have another swig of Geritol Corso, you’ll be all right.

"And that's Miami's 1st first down of the season."- Pam Ward

Gee, that offense was worse than we thought…

"This is his last home game here at home."- Andre Ware on UVA's Chris Long

Well, he could play his final home game in Blacksburg, but that wouldn’t really count.

"If you're going to underthrow the ball, you have to do it short."- Ed Cunningham

As opposed to an underthrow when you throw it over the receiver’s head.

"The thing you have to realize is that these teams are in un-chartered waters."- Kirk Herbstreit

Were these teams being coached by the Skipper and Gilligan?

"We were wondering what you were giving him for after the game. You know my partner over here....."- Bob Griese

"I thought you were giving him a Bud."- Paul Maguire

That’s a good idea. Give Manure a ton of Buds, then maybe he will pass out in the booth so we don’t have to hear him. Then again, if that happens, how will they get the crane up to the press box to move him?

“USC is a cinch to go to one of the three remaining BCS Bowl Games....maybe the Fiestus Bowl. That would be the likely suspect.”- David Norrie

They could also go to the Festus Bowl to play for the Gunsmoke Trophy. Marshall Dillon could do the coin flip. Miss Kitty could sew the uniforms…

Saturday’s games of note:

MAC Championship: Central Michigan v. Miami (OH) (ESPN2, 11:00 am) - Pam Ward, Ray Bentley, Rob Simmelkjaer

Speaking of MAC’s, doesn’t Pam Ward look like Mayor McCheese? Here is a picture of her in the booth before last Saturday’s game.

C-USA Championship: Tulsa v. Central Florida (ESPN,12:00) - Dave Pasch, Andre Ware, Erin Andrews

Why is Erin Andrews doing the C-USA game? Shouldn’t she be doing a game that will have more than three people watching?

SEC Championship: LSU v. Tennessee (CBS, 4:00) - Verne Lundquist, Gary Danielson, Tracy Wolfson

On second thought, I am going to give “The Genius” a case of Private Sofie’s favorite product, Boudreaux’s Butt Paste, since he is the biggest horse’s ass I have ever heard.

ACC Championship: Boston College v. Virginia Tech (ABC, 1:00) - Brad Nessler, Bob Griese, Paul Maguire, Bonnie Bernstein

However, Manure might have the biggest horse’s ass I have ever seen…

Pittsburgh @ West Virginia (ESPN, 7:45) - Mike Patrick, Todd Blackledge, Holly Rowe

I wonder if Holly Rowe will be wearing an outfit that looks similar to the West Virginia Mountaineer mascot. Hey, nothing like a hot blonde in tight pleather, right?

Arizona @ Arizona State (ESPN2, 8:00) - Mark Jones, Bob Davie, Stacey Dales

Where are Petros Papadakis and Barry Tompkins when you need them? Then again, Tompkins bed time is probably 6:00pm so the kick off was too late for him.

California @ Stanford (VS, 7:00) - Ted Robinson, Kelly Stouffer, Lewis Johnson

Is it just me, or is Cal still playing football? The Bears disappeared quicker than a stack of chili dogs at the Paul Manure Old Announcers BBQ. I heard a lot of their fat mouths spouting off after beating the Vols, but the choke job they displayed before the world was a thing of beauty and has caused many to hid under a rock. In the SEC, real football fans who support real football teams know you have to wait until after the season to talk. The Cal fans have not gotten that memo, or maybe it has not gotten up to their trees yet, so we are once again assigned the task of educating their sorry asses. Check out this pic. The Bears are so bad, they don't even realize that to score a touchdown, they have to turn around to cross the goal line (left). It's the other way, guys...

All right, Vol fans, as Kurt Russell said in Miracle, this is our time. Be proud, be loud, and enjoy the moment on Saturday. Rub those orange and white rosary beads, repeat your game maxims and never take Coach Fulmer’s name in vain. Go Big Orange!

This Week in Big Orange Country

2007-11-21T13:49:00.000-05:00

The Sarge had to be admitted to Northside Hospital here in Atlanta last week for what doctors are calling, “A mild heart arrhythmia caused by last second special teams play.” I’ll tell ya, I died about 62 million times last Saturday, especially since I had to listen to the game on the internet because it was not on TV. I talked to Coach B, who was at the game, and he said he about fainted. He was then put on the Neyland Stadium EMT “watch list.”

And with that, the last of the three teams the Vols had to beat stands in the road to Atlanta: Kentucky. The once abandoned dream on winning the SEC East is now within the Vols grasp, but the final test will be the toughest. Tune in on Saturday at 1:30pm on CBS as Craig Bolerjack and Steve Beurelein will be handling the announcing duties.

The Vols have already one intangible on their side because “The Genius” Gary Danielson will not be in Lexington with his diarrhea of the mouth analysis. Last week when they were at the LSU-Ole Miss game, they took time to talk about, what else, Tim Tebow and how he should win the Heisman. But since he’s Danielson’s buddy, they have to talk about him for half of every game.

I can imagine a conversation Danielson has with his wife? (I sure feel sorry for that poor woman) “You know honey, I am sure Tim Tebow would cut the crusts off my peanut butter and jelly sandwiches if I asked him.” Or, “Darling, can you start using some Downey on my shirts? I am sure Tim Tebow would if he did my laundry…”

From College Football News.com:

What will happen: Tennessee has answered every challenge and come through with every clutch play over the last month to be in a position to play for the SEC title. Kentucky will change all that by breaking the long series losing streak with a huge day from Woodson.

CFN Prediction: Kentucky 31 – Tennessee 27

Between CFN and the rest of the media, I think it would be good for the Vols not to even attempt to travel up to Lexington since it would be a waste of time. I have never seen such a lack of respect for a team that is playing for the division championship. Granted, Georgia is hot now, but people have short memories and seem to forget you win a championship based on what you do for the ENTIRE year, not just November.

Coach Fulmer’s Weekly Comments

“We were pleased to get the win last week over Vanderbilt. Much like Vanderbilt, this is always a tough game. You’ve got the great history, great players and great games that have been played; you’ve got a border-state rivalry. There is a lot riding on the game for both teams.

“Kentucky is a very fine football team. When you look at their skill level on offense, it’s exceptional. (Andre) Woodson is a very fine quarterback. They have done a tremendous job coaching and developing him. He had an outstanding year last year and this year as well.

“They are a solid, good defensive team. Much like us, they’ve had their moments where they played really well and their moments when they haven’t played as well as Coach Brooks would’ve liked them to. They have an excellent kicking game all the way around, and they are very well coached.

“We need to play well in this ballgame, play at a very high level to get a win over Kentucky. We will have to play well as a team and play smart. That means protecting the football, limiting their big plays, playing well in the kicking game and playing well fundamentally.”

Announcer Review

"Nice call by Offensive Coordinator Bryan Springsteen there." - Bill Curry referencing Virginia Tech’s Bryan Stienspring.

I didn’t know The Boss was coaching at Virginia Tech…

"It reminds of how rappers would peddle their demos to artists...to some sort of publishing company."- Desmond Howard on Kansas QB Todd Reesing making a highlight tape to get a scholarship.

Gee, go bust a cap, Snoop Dog…

"If he would have slowed down and put his butt to Jackson."- Gary Danielson

(In my best Walk the Line movie reference) We’re goin’ the Jackson, and we’re gonna mess around. We’re goin’ to Jackson, ‘cause Danielson is such a clown…”

"Let’s see if I can get this one right Pam."- Ray Bentley

"That will be a first."- Pam Ward

If I was Ray Bentley, I would have smacked Pam Ward in the face so hard, she would have been attractive.

"BOOM!"- Kirk Herbstreit (Not for the phrase itself, but that he said it every other play)

Was Herbstriet doing his Rainman imitation? “Yeah, they defiantly need a first down here. Yeah, a first down. They need 10 yards for a first down. Yeah, definitely, definitely a first down…”

"The conditions are the virus affecting the computer that Jim Tressel puts in about taking care of the football." - Kirk Herbstreit

The game must have been at Adams college because I swore the crowd was pointing at Herbstreit and chanting, “Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!” at Herbstreit.

"Gary Walker's passing is the reason Fitzgerald became Northwestern's head coach."- Erin Andrews

Um, Erin, his name is Randy Walker…

"Saying Mike Leach has an offensive coordinator is like saying, I don't know, Rachael Ray has a private chef." - Brad Nessler

And saying that Paul Manure is an analyst is like saying, I don’t know, ABC was desperate to fill the position.

“Ahh, rivals, they spend a lot of time painting themselves up and undressing"- Brent Musburger

Sounds like a night in the French Quarter during Mardi Gras…

This week’s games of note:

Miami @ Boston College (ESPN, 12:00) - Pam Ward, Ray Bentley, Rob Simmelkjaer

On second thought, if I were Ray Bentley, I would not want to make contact with Pam’s face for fear the ugly virus would consume me. I would rather watch highlights of Porter Waggoner’s funeral that see Pam Ward’s face on my TV.

Virginia Tech @ Virginia (ESPN2, 12:00) - Dave Pasch, Andre Ware, Erin Andrews

This week, do you think Erin Andrews will refer to the Hokies head coach as Fred Beamer?

Georgia @ Georgia Tech (ABC/ESPN, 3:30) - Brad Nessler, Bob Griese, Paul Maguire, Bonnie Bernstein

I hear Paul Manure was going to be on the World’s Biggest Loser, since he wants to lose weight. I can already tell you he would win that show since he really is the World’s Biggest Loser.

Florida State @ Florida (CBS, 5:00) - Verne Lundquist, Gary Danielson, Tracy Wolfson

Why is this game on the big stage instead of the Tennessee-Kentucky game? Isn’t that game more critical to the outcome of the SCE Championship? I’m sure “The Genius” pouted to CBS so they would make that the headline game. If the Vols make it to Atlanta, I am going to go down to the Georgia Dome and wait for him, tickets or not, so I can throw a week’s worth of my daughter’s dirty diapers at that fool because he really is a turd.

Washington State @ Washington (FSN, 7:00) - Barry Tompkins, Petros Papadakis, Jim Watson

“The Fossil” Barry Tompkins arrived in Seattle this week and was regaling his boy Petros with a story about the day he was there when the Dead Sea began to get sick…

Alabama @ Auburn (ESPN, 8:00) - Mike Patrick, Todd Blackledge, Holly Rowe

Watching Bama lose last week made me about as sad as the time Pinky Tuscadero got caught in the Malachi Crunch during the Milwaukee Demolition Derby on Happy Days. Well, not really, but that was good for a laugh or two…

All right, Vol fans, this is the game we have all been waiting for. This Saturday at 1:30, we will see if the Vols are good enough to represent the SEC’s Eastern Division in the SEC Championship game. Until them, rub those orange and white rosary beads, repeat your game maxims, and never take Coach Fulmer’s name in vain. Go Big Orange!

This week in Big Orange Country

2007-11-08T18:21:00.001-05:00

The Vols are at the first stop of a three game gauntlet on the road to Atlanta. First up and probably the toughest of the three, Arkansas, comes to Knoxville with Darren McFadden and an offense that racked up 14,897 yards of offense last week. Oh goody…

If the Vol defense doesn’t come to play, this game will turn into a bad re-creation of Raising Arizona with Darren McFadden running through the stadium, then all over campus as people are chasing him down the street. (Cue the yodeling music…)

Coach Fulmer’s Comments

“With the game last week being sandwiched between a big win versus South Carolina and this huge football game coming up with Arkansas, there was concern on my part—and I told the team so—about how they would handle the week. To their credit, they did an exceptionally good job of working and getting themselves prepared.

“You flip on the Arkansas-South Carolina film and it is unbelievably impressive from an Arkansas offensive standpoint. You watch how they totally manhandled a South Carolina defense that we thought was pretty good.

“Darren McFadden is easily one of top running backs in the country with all that he brings to the table. He is complemented—if that’s the right word, because there is not much difference between them—by Felix Jones and his ability as a running back. Four-hundred and eighty-seven yards rushing in one football game is incredible against a Southeastern Conference football team.

“We need a great crowd, and I know it will be. This is an exciting opportunity and challenge for our football team. I hope everybody will be early and be loud. We are 5-0 at home and we hope to continue that through this week. It should be a great football game.”

Vols-‘Doores kickoff announced

Tennessee’s Nov. 17 game against Vanderbilt at Neyland Stadium is being televised by VideoSeat on a pay-per-view basis across the state of Tennessee, both universities jointly announced Wednesday.

Kickoff at Neyland Stadium is scheduled for 2 p.m. Eastern time.

Announcer Review

Pam Ward wins the award this week. ESPN aired a moving tribute to former Northwestern coach Randy Walker, who passed away suddenly last summer from a heart attack. ESPN even interviewed Walker's widow. Then, they aired a video package about Northwestern's close games this year, to which Pam Ward starts referring to Northwestern as the "Cardiac Cats." To quote our buddy Bryce (John Cusak) from Sixteen Candles, “Real smooth, Cliff…”

“He kicked the ball between the splits.” – Gary Danielson

What the hell are the splits? Splits are for gymnastics, uprights are on a goal post. Once again, "The Genius" makes us all wonder what the hell he is talking about. If Jeff Spicoli was watching, he would say, “Those guys are fools!” (I cleaned up his original comment for the blog, but you know what he means) The best line of the night was when General Sweetie saw Danielson on TV, then said, “Oh, I didn’t recognize him without his jester hat…”

“I think LSU is going to have to outscore Alabama to win.” – Verne Lundquist

Verne, what if LSU doesn’t outscore Alabama? Can they still win? I apologize for Verne’s mistake though, since sitting next to “The Genius” week after week is sure to give someone diarrhea of the mouth.

Did you see “Super” Lou Holtz finally get a prediction right? Granted, it was his first one in his 346 years of college football, but he did call a kick return for a TD in the Akron-Ohio game. Rece Davis called him “The Amazing Kreskin,” then practically begged him not to try to say the name since he would flood the booth with saliva.

Former Notre Dame QB, and current meathead, Joe Theisman was trashing the new Monday Night Football format and announcers. “I don't like the new MNF. And it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm not there. I watch football games to learn and watch football. I see Ron Jaworski trying to do football. I see Mike Tirico trying to get back to football. I have no problem with Tony Kornheiser. He's just out of his element. He's a fish out of water.”

Joe, shut your cake hole. You got fired because you couldn’t analyze a fart out of your own butt. I have an idea, instead of spewing your sour grapes over being canned, why don’t you call Danielson and Manure and see if you can get admission to the washed up announcers club since you would be a perfect choice for admission.

This week’s games

Auburn @ Georgia (CBS, 3:30) - Verne Lundquist, Gary Danielson, Tracy Wolfson

“The Genius” is in Athens this week, so I might have to pack my family up and leave Atlanta since I don’t want them being that close to a registered dumb ass.

Illinois @ Ohio State (ABC/ESPN, 3:30) - Brad Nessler, Bob Griese, Paul Maguire, Bonnie Bernstein
Last week during the Michigan-Michigan State game, the team of Paul Manure (Maguire), Bob Griese and Brad Nessler had an in-booth demonstration of how a "chip block" works. I’m sure Manure thought they meant there were chips in the booth, and he should block everyone else from getting to them. Here is Manure falling on a pool full of chips like he was trying to recover a fumble. What a pud...

Central Florida @ UAB (CSTV, 7:30) - Johnathan Coachman, Roland Williams

WWE’s Johnathan Coachman takes the mic this week. Don’t ask me why. Can you imagine what that broadcast is going to sound like? “Roland Williams, can you imagine the rush of adrenalin the female population of the world gets when they hear ‘The Coach’ on the air? I know ‘Gigolo’ George O’Leary is going to have the Knights ready, so UAB better get “The One Man Gang” Ronnie Garvin a uniform. Hey, Roland, you tell your wife I said hello, will ya brotha?” By the way, if you put a green warm up suit and hat on Coachman, he could go on the Gong Show as Gene Gene the Dancing Machine…

Florida @ South Carolina (ESPN, 7:45) - Mike Patrick, Todd Blackledge, Holly Rowe

Tim Tebow is still the front runner for the Heisman no matter how many games he loses because he’s a miracle worker. In addition to being named the greatest player ever in the history of any sport, he was able to get ESPN’s Stephen A. Smith to smile and get Lou Holtz to speak intelligently for around 30 seconds. As Luke Fuchs from Used Cars would say, “Jesus, Mary and Joseph, that’s a miracle…”

Washington @ Oregon State (FSN, 10:15) - Barry Tompkins, Petros Papadakis, Jim Watson

I heard "The Fossil" Barry Tompkins used to date Anna Nicole Smith. You know what that means…

Fresno State @ Hawaii (ESPN2, 11:00) - TBA [simulcast of Fresno State's local coverage]

Every time I see Fresno State, I think of two things. One, they have played on every night of the week at one time or the other in their history, and that should tell you what a dynasty they are building in Fresno. And the other is their coach Pat Hill, who looks like a cousin of the Super Mario Brothers. I loved it when he came out with his cute slogan, “Just shut up and hit somebody.” Hey Pat, why don’t you shut up and win a game?

Mailbag

Hi Sarge....pppph, Sarge...

Well, your Vols are going to do it to me again by beating Arkansas, Vandy and Kentucky. (Next word deleted by profanity check)

Bulldog Bry - Somewhere in the Doghouse

Bulldog Bry:

I appreciate your thoughts, and enjoyed your profanity laced tirade, but I do not think the Vols are a lock to do anything just yet. The UT defense gives up drives longer than the Orange Bowl halftime show, and since McFadden and Jones ran father than Forest Gump in last year's blow out loss, I would say Georgia has the best chance of making it if the Vols don't. However, watch out for Auburn, especially in Athens.

Sarge:

For today I have been in contact with the one we know as Coach Fulmer. I have reciprocated to him the support of the loyal Orange mass of fans. Yes, I wonder about our defensive coordinator, but I did not spoil the conversation with Coach Fulmer by bringing it up today. Just spoke of pride, and tenacity, and the backbone of Tennessee support...the fan. I feel uplifted and encouraged that we will take care of business against Arkansas.

Sincerely,

Paul "VOL" Gore
Guntersville, AL

That was great Paul! How have the Bama fans been? I have the C-130 transport warmed up at the base ready to fly in at a moment’s notice to rescue you, so shoot off an orange flare if you need to leave. I am sure since they lost to LSU last week, the Tide fans have been a little hard to locate. Your name was mentioned in this week’s video so check it out…

Hey Sgt. Scooter:

I wear my BOA shirt, camo pants, dog tags, and helmet every game. The past 2 games have been great. I believe we will win the East. What you think about LaMarcus Coker getting dismissed? I think it's ok. We have 3 more great running backs to take his place.
I'd like to give a shout out to you Sgt. Scooter for everything you have done never losing faith, and taking the time out to write your blogs. I enjoy reading and watching your blogs.

Go Vols and Go B.O.A.

Sincerely,

Private E-1.
Patrick Eaddy.
Over and Out.

Thanks, Patrick. I agree with Coach Fulmer that Cocker needed to go since he should not be playing football if he has a serious issue off the field that he needs to address. I appreciate your emails and am happy we have a chance at the end as a reward for fans like us who never gave up. Check out this week’s video, your name was mentioned as well…

If I would have told you in September the Vols would be in the driver’s seat in the SEC East in November, you would have locked me up and thrown away the key. I know it’s crazy, but this Saturday the Vols will take the first step towards proving the experts wrong. If Chavis can fix the defense, and Cutcliffe gets solid play from Erik Anige, the Vols will have a chance to win. If not, start making plans for Nashville since that is here ESPN has predicted we will play in December.

Until then, rub those orange and white rosary beads, repeat your game maxims and never take Coach Fulmer’s name in vain. Go Big Orange!

Last Saturday/This Saturday

2007-11-02T13:35:00.001-04:00

I don’t know about you guys, but the ol’ Sarge needed a little time to recover from last weekend’s heart attack waiting to happen game against South Carolina which the Vols won in OT 27-24. The Vols lost that game 62 times and somehow still came out the winner, which put them in control of their own destiny in the SEC East. Win their final three conference games, and the Vols will be in Atlanta to play for the SEC Championship. However, any number of other teams can still make it, namely, Georgia, who hasn’t given up just yet and has a great chance to slide by the Vols and get to Atlanta so this is a week to week situation where anything can happen.

I had a few yucks from General Sweetie when we were watching College Gameday last Saturday. Gameday was in State College for the Penn State-Ohio State game, and they showed an interview with Joe Pa. General Sweetie, in between bites of her Chic-Fil-A chicken biscuit, looked at the TV and quipped, “Joe Paterno? Geeze, turn off the oxygen will ya?” Then they showed the crowd, to which the General said looked like a Darwin Awards family reunion, then commented, “What do those damn Yankees know about tailgating? Any fool knows football is better in the south.” Damn, that’s a good woman right there…

Speaking of Gameday, what did you think about Fowler taking pot shots at the Vols? He giggled, “Just so you know, Vol players, the NFL combine is this date, and the draft is this date,” and of course, his cohorts at the desk with him, Heckle and Jeckle, laughed right along. Then Kirk Herbstreit, who can be a turd sometimes, said confidently, “Well, if LSU wins the rest of their games, they will play Florida in the SEC Championship.” Um, Kirk, does that mean Florida is already in it? Last time I looked, they are going to have to climb over about 39 other teams to get there. Next time, if you have a personal opinion, then voice it that way. Until then, keep your smart ass mouth shut unless you know what you are talking about.

One last nugget from Gameday. I missed the beginning interview of an Ohio State player, so I pressed the rewind button on our DVR. I went too far and had to watch again the opening with Big and Stupid. Take my word, these guys will go the same way as Flock of Seagulls, Quarterflash and Men without Hats. Maybe they can change their name to Men without Talent, since that would be a better name for their band. As my good friend, Bulldog Bry, always says, “We’re comin’ and where sh***y…”

Bulldog Bry sent me a funny story from a Georgia fan and his adventures in Jacksonville last weekend. Here is the story, you will definitely get a tee-hee out of it!
http://www.dawgbone.net/misc8.html

The General and I went to the Georgia Tech game last night and needless to say, she enjoyed “Mommy’s Apple Juice” much more than the game itself. The highlight was sitting next to two guys from Atlanta who were wearing Virginia Tech apparel, not because they liked the Jokies, but they just wanted to give everyone the red ass. Ya gotta love hanging out with dudes like that. Kevin, who is the spitting image of Vince Vaughn, walks up to the seats next to us and says, “Hey, who wants and orange whip? Orange whip? Orange whip? Three orange whips. The Sarge went into a huge tee-hee, while the General said, “I don’t know what that means, but I do know I want some more wine…” I knew they were going to be trouble and fun at the same time because anyone who can recite lines from the Blues Brothers is OK in my book.

Do you think they could have done a little better job getting Sean Glennon’s backup jersey ready? It reminded me of one of those days in the Atlanta Softball League where they make you all have the same jersey, and you are one jersey short since someone couldn’t make it because they were having their cods clipped, or something similar. So you would go out to the trunk of your car, find a jersey of the same color and then get the magic marker and draw in a name and number. If I were the refs, I would have invoked the same jersey only rule and ejected him from the game. For Georgia Tech’s sake, that would be the only way they could have kept up with the Jokies last night.

Coach Fulmer's Comments

The Tennessee football team worked out for a little more than two hours on Wednesday afternoon at Haslam Field, focusing primarily on team drills in preparation for Saturday’s Homecoming game against Louisiana-Lafayette.

After practice, Fulmer told the media that the team was preparing for this game just like any other.

“We've worked hard in our preparation in regards to this week’s opponent, Louisiana-Lafayette,” Fulmer said. “They certainly present some challenges with their different style of execution both offensively and defensively, and they have a good quarterback. However, at every opportunity we have worked on our fundamentals also to keep us sharp in those areas. After this game, we have three straight SEC games, and we need to be prepared in all phases every time we step on the field.”

Fulmer announced that defensive tackle Demonte Bolden and running back LaMarcus Coker will serve a one-game suspension Saturday against Louisiana-Lafayette for a violation of team rules. Both Bolden and Coker will continue to practice with the team as members of the scout squad.

The Vols will continue practice on Thursday and Friday before the 4 p.m. contest on Saturday against the Ragin’ Cajuns.

Announcer review

Another week, another series of yucks. Of course, my good pals “The Genius” Danielson and Paul Manure (Maguire) are mentioned below, as they are every week. Here is the worst from last week’s announcer babble:

"They look like a contender for number one."- Brent Musburger on Ohio State

Well, if they keep playing this well, they have a shot to move from #1 to #1 before the season is over, Brent…

"You cut yourself shaving, you bleed for a week" - Gary Danielson

I think I am going to send Danielson a case of razors for Christmas and hope for the best.

"This is just a reminder, but there really isn't a yellow line on the field at the first down marker."- Dave Lamont

Not unless you drink a bottle of Old Grand Dad with my Aunt Molly before the game. I know you'll see all sorts of lines in every color on the field.

"He's seeing double right now. Just like Maguire on Thursday night." - Brad Nessler

To quote our pal Dean Wormer from Animal House, “Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, Manure…”

"Tom Arnold from Ottumwa, Iowa -- his movie career turned about as successful as Robert Gallery's pro career." - Dave Pasch

But a lot more successful than Dave Pasch’s career.

Corso: "I've got Boston College in at #5 because I had to get someone from the Big East in my Top 5."
Fowler: "You know they're in the ACC?"
Corso: "They are from the East Coast. They should be in the Big East."

Yeah, and you should be slapped.

....."and when you throw to him and he runs into the official and BOOM...(pause)...goes the dynamite."- Verne Lundquist

Was Verne listening to his P.O.D. CD’s before the game? BOOM, here comes the BOOM…how do you like Verne now?

"Can you get it up every week. . . consistently?"- Craig James

The Jack Ass, um, the Pony, Craig James must have been watching Spanktra-vision in the hotel the night before the game.

This week’s games

Iowa @ Northwestern (ESPN2, 12:00) - Pam Ward, Ray Bentley, Rob Simmelkjaer

Pam Ward is so ugly, when she went to the top of the Empire State Building, planes started to attack her.

Michigan @ Michigan State (ABC/ESPN, 3:30) - Brad Nessler, Bob Griese, Paul Maguire, Bonnie Bernstein

Paul Manure will be in East Lansing for the game. We better call the physics school and tell them not to worry. The shock they will feel is Manure walking around campus since he has his own gravitational pull.

LSU @ Alabama (CBS, 5:00)- Verne Lundquist, Gary Danielson, Tracy Wolfson

I have to commend Danielson for having the guts to show up to cover LSU’s game since he pretty much bashed them in their win over Florida back in October. Danielson doesn’t know the meaning of the word fear. The again, he doesn’t know the meaning of a lot of other words either…

Arizona State @ Oregon (ESPN, 6:40) - Mike Patrick, Todd Blackledge, Holly Rowe

Does Holly Rowe look like the Oregon Duck mascot? You decide.

Washington State @ California (FSN, 10:00) - Barry Tompkins, Petros Papadakis, Jim Watson

Petros was talking to Tompkins before last week’s game about flying in for the game. It reminded Tompkins of a story about the time he joined the "Mile High Club" on a flight out of Kitty Hawk when the Wright Brothers were the pilots.

Well, Vol fans, take a deep breath because win or lose, the Vols will still be playing for the SEC East title starting on the 10th against Arkansas. Hopefully they will get in some good reps and play a complete game so they can have some momentum before the Hogs come to town. Until then, rub those orange and white rosary beads, repeat your game maxims and never take Coach Fulmer’s name in vain. Go Big Orange!

Last Saturday/This Saturday

2007-10-24T21:22:00.000-04:00

2007 has been a crazy year in college football, and the One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest mentality has trickled down to the SEC, particularly in the East where five of the six teams have two losses. Our brave boys in orange suffered an inexplicable butt whipping at the hands of an Alabama team that came into the game better prepared and executed their game plan flawlessly on both sides of the ball and special teams. As far as Tennessee’s execution, well, I am all for it….

As I watched the final seconds tick down, I was comatose in front of my TV. Don’t ask me why I watched the whole thing, other than the fact I watch every Tennessee game to the end because I do not want to desert my troops in battle, plus I think I am a closet masochist. Then again, to be a fan of the Vols means you have some masochistic tendencies somewhere. Of course, as the gloom set in, I did what I always do after a loss, and that was flip it over to Telemundo so I could watch a burrito eating contest between members of a mariachi band with guys who looked like Speedy Gonzales’s fat cousin, Hector. The winner was someone nicknamed the “Don Juan of the Burritos,” which left me a little frightened, but at least it took my mind off the game as I looked for my Foghat CD’s for some extended man cave time.

This sets up another huge game to be played on Saturday as South Carolina comes to Knoxville in an elimination game in the Eastern Division. USC, along with Florida, controls their own destiny in the East, but the Vols could get back into it by winning out, then have the Gators lose once more. In the SEC this year, anything is possible. The game will be seen on ESPN at 7:45.

Coach Fulmer’s comments on the upcoming South Carolina game

“We are very excited about this opportunity to play in this football game against South Carolina. I certainly understand our challenges as we go in, but to have the national television opportunity in front of a full stadium is going to be really exciting. I look forward to seeing our team today. We had yesterday off, but as I thought probably would happen, most of them were over here watching tape on their own. It was good to see. I am looking forward to practice today and starting to get ready for South Carolina.

“In athletics, like life, it’s about meeting challenges and making the most of each day that you have. Certainly, we know as a staff and as a football team where our challenges are. We know where our strengths are. We’ve got an incredible group of young men, fighters with character and good leadership on this football team. There are a lot of reasons to be excited.

“At times this year, we have played exceptionally good football, and that’s what we’re working to get back to. It has been a crazy year in college football and in the conference. We’re taking the approach that we are playing for a divisional championship this Saturday and each Saturday that follows.

Announcer Review

I knew things over at Coach B’s were going to be a mess. A few weeks ago, he swore that if he had to listen to “The Genius” Gary Danielson again, he would shoot out his TV. I laughed and thought he had been sipping a little too much of the “Brown Kool-Aid” but sure enough, he called me today and said, “Sarge, wanna go to Best Buy with me?” I asked, “I take it you watched the Florida-Kentucky game on Saturday. Let’s get you the 70-inch plasma screen. At least when you see Danielson on it, you’ll have a big enough target to shoot at.”

Here is the best of the worst from last Saturday:

10. "When shoulder goes down the umph goes South."- Verne Lundquist

Wasn’t that a strategy your cousin Ted used when you played Operation with him?

9. "South Florida will be replaced in the 2-hole." Brent Musberger

As far as replacing a 2-hole, I think we should start with Musburger.

8. "They gave up 31 points to Troy and Brad Pitt wasn't the coach of that team."- Lee Corso

Oh, har, har. The old fart just made a joke…

7. "Good timeout by Penn State...you may catch them in a ball handling situation."- Andre Ware

All right, Andre. Just turn your head and cough.

6. "The guys say he is so precious with the young boys."- Holly Rowe

Was Les Miles hanging out with the New Kids on the Block before the game?

5. "Think about playing quarterback here at USC: Carson Palmer wins a Heisman, Matt Leinart wins a Heisman, John David Booty has played very well, and now Mark Sanchez. It's like going out as a runway model after Heidi Klum." - Pat Haden

Sounds like Notre Dame put Victoria Secret catalogs next to the USC media guides again.

And now two gems from "The Genius"

4. "That one looked like you were ordering an omelet at breakfast it was so open."- Gary Danielson

First of all, I have no frigging idea what “The Genius” is talking about with that comment, and second, too bad he wasn’t ordering an omelet at the Waffle House when Kid Rock opened up a can of whoop-ass last weekend. That would have been the greatest breakfast I have ever had since my Mom served us some of her world famous pumpkin grits to celebrate my Aunt Molly being paroled.

3. When Tim Tebow made a play fake and passed for a long touchdown, “He made a play action fake to himself…” – Gary Danielson

Aren't all play action fakes kept by the quarterback? Danielson is so dumb, he couldn’t produce a fart in a bean factory.

2. Bob Griese made reference to Brad Nessler's pink tie. Nessler says "Thank you, it's for breast awareness month."

Um, that would be Breast Cancer Awareness, Brad. Although I have no problem having every month be breast awareness month, you get my vote for biggest boob in the booth.

And number one......

1. “You finally shaved it off. Do you feel naked right now?”- Pam Ward

The words naked and Pam Ward in the same sentence is a serious case of bad ju ju.

This week’s games

College Gameday is at Penn State this week. Don't ever mention Penn State to me again. Every time I hear the name, I end up in a fetal position since the Lions always beat up the Vols worse than Ralphie pounding Scut Farkus in A Christmas Story.

Thursday, October 25th

Boston College @ Virginia Tech (ESPN, 7:45 Thu) - Chris Fowler, Todd Blackledge, Craig James, Erin Andrews

General Sweetie doesn’t like Craig James. I am not sure why, but every time he comes on our TV, she asks me to call Coach B so he can bring his gun over to shoot out our TV. Last week she asked, “Who is that ham and egger on TV?” When I told her it was “The Pony,” Craig James, she replied, “The Pony? He looks more like a jack ass.” The Sarge is real proud of the General…

Saturday, October 27th

West Virginia @ Rutgers (ABC, 12:00) - Brad Nessler, Bob Griese, Paul Maguire, Bonnie Bernstein

I heard Paul Manure walked around the stadium at last week’s game and everyone swore it was an eclipse.

Ball State @ Illinois (BTN, 12:00) - Jim Kelly, Chris Martin, Rick Pizzo

I want to party with Rick Pizzo. You could never be in a bad mood around a guy with a name like that. “Hey, Sarge, it’s Rick. Let’s go over to the bar and get Pizzoed…” or “Better not talk to Rick right now. He’s pretty Pizzed off about something.”

Delaware @ Navy (CSTV, 1:00) - Pete Medhurst, Scott Zolak

Scott Zolak. Doesn’t his last name sound like an erectile dysfunction drug? “Well, it’s date night so I am going to pop a few Zolak’s and hope for the best.”

USC @ Oregon (FSN, 3:00) - Barry Tompkins, Petros Papdakis, Jim Watson

My boy Petros is making the scene in Eugene with “The Fossil”, Barry Tompkins. I heard Petros tried to throw Tompkins a birthday party last week, but the fire marshal wouldn’t allow him to put the correct number of candles on Tompkins cake because it was a fire hazard.

I did some checking and found out Petros has a My Space Page. Here’s the link: http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=72792070

By the way, that is a picture of Petros (left), and not Screech from Saved by the Bell...

Georgia v. Florida (CBS, 3:30) - Verne Lundquist, Gary Danielson, Tracy Wolfson

Call Best Buy. I think Coach B is coming in on Sunday.

Nebraska @ Texas (ABC, 3:30) - Ron Franklin, Ed Cunningham, Jack Arute

“The King” will be in Austin to see the Huskers and Horns play. If he asks what happened to Bevo, tell him Paul Manure was in Austin a few weeks ago and wanted a late night snack…

Rice @ Marshall (ESPNU, 4:30) - Tom Hart, Trev Alberts

Does anyone want to watch this game on Saturday? Yeah, anyone with a death wish since “The Junior Genius” Trev Alberts is there. Whenever I hear Alberts speak, I tell everyone, “Quiet please. The man is trying to be dull.”

Mailbag

I got some seriously pissed off people emailing me last week. I got a scathing email from Aunt Molly, who was not observing the Wednesday Rule (The Sarge does not like to talk about a Tennessee loss until Wednesday). She emailed, called and even drove over to the Fulmer Bunker looking for me. I felt like I was Charlie Steiner, and Evander Holyfield was chasing me, “Hey, Sarge! Come out and get your whoopin’!” She hasn’t been this mad since the night against Georgia in 2003 when she had to be restrained from running down the stairs in Neyland Stadium to try to tackle Sean Jones when he returned a Clausen fumble for a TD.

Sgt. Scooter:

If Florida loses one more SEC game, and we win the rest of our SEC games, we will go to the championship. The key game is Kentucky. We just sill have to believe. I was watching the Alabama game and I will tell you, I wanted to throw up, I stepped outside to cool off, and I thought of something. These things happen and sometimes you are in over your head, but the only to fight this quicksand is to fight back. Fight for life!

I wanted to let the Tennessee fans know that I will be airing a pep talk about the Tennessee football team on YouTube. It should be up by Thursday. My YouTube account is RockyToptoNeyland.

Vols91

Thanks, Vols91!

Let me tell you this guy is a real Tennessee fan and I appreciate his emails. When you get a chance on Thursday, go to his site and see the video. I am sure it will be great and we all can enjoy watching it.

As far as the game, I agree, I felt like the drunk mother in Any Given Sunday as I just stared at the TV with a blank look on my face. I would have thrown up, but I was so nervous before the game, I didn’t eat or drink, so there was nothing to toss, except the TV, but that would have caused the tragic downfall of the Sarge on many levels of married life, so I thought better of it. Question, I know we want our Vols to win, but as bad as we have played this year, are the Big Orange worthy of being called SEC East champs if they should luck out and get into the title game? Just something to think about. Can’t wait to see your video!

Sarge:

I am sitting here at the computer and really don't know what to say, except that I can't believe that we have lost to 2 of our biggest rivals that I can remember. Old School - (Alabama) and New School - (Florida) and BOTH losses have been the worst losses in around 20 years ! I really am speechless and heartbroken at the same time.
I think I am going to have to stock up on some of your "Daddy's Apple Juice". I have already been spending more time in my man cave, and my family thinks I have gone into hibernation. I told them that I just need a lot of time to reflect and do lots of praying.......

GO VOLS !!! BEAT THE GAMECOCKS !

PFC Tim Munsey
BIG ORANGE ARMY

Thanks, Tim. I know what you mean when you lose to two of the teams that you must beat every year. I am also pissed about the way we played. Good to see you are taking steps to overcome your misery. I will send you some of Daddy’s Apple Juice right away since we can’t leave our fellow solders behind when they need help. Do you need any of my Foghat CD’s? If you really are desperate, try some Dokken as a last resort.

Scoot:

Wasn't that an impressive display of Tennessee football? I can no longer support coach Fulmer after witnessing that debacle. I believe that was the worst-coached Tennessee team I've seen in 21 years. I think it's time for Coach to bow out------if he really cares for his alma-mater.

Tony
DISGUSTED IN ALABAMA

Hello Tony!

I agree that it was not one of our better days on the gridiron and I am embarrassed by their effort and performance. I respect your opinion that Fulmer must go, and I have read several emails from great Vol fans like you that have written the same thing. Who would make the best replacement if Fulmer left? Should they keep Fulmer and fire Chavis? I would be interested to read your thoughts.

Sergeant:

I gotta say this. I know Alabama is a huge game. Always has been. But it was so obvious to me throughout that the officiating crew was NOT going to allow Tennessee the opportunity to get established. I'd much prefer to say that we got beat by a better team, but I don't believe we did. Couple that with Bama playing their game of the century, and there you go. I'd venture to even say some money changed hands on this deal. I'm dead serious. I've never seen anything like it. Now, I have to listen to these idiots for a year like they've won the national championship. Tell me what you think.

Hello Paul Vol!

I will send you a plane ticket to anywhere you want to go in Tennessee if that would help since I know how bad the Bama fans can be. If they give you too much crap, just say, “Well, at least we have more victories (10) over you than you have had coaching changes (5) since ‘95…”

I think they officiating was a little off on both sides but the reason we lost is we had no clue on how to stop Bama’s offense. We also gave up an onsides kick on the opening play, which goes to show they had a much more creative game plan. Offensively, where was Monterio Hardesty? I read the coaches forgot to put him in. You know that’s a poor excuse since he is one of the best running backs on the team. From top to bottom on Saturday, we were whipped by a better football team in all aspects of the game. Period. Now the only question is can the Vols rebound and make it interesting at the end of the year?

I would like to welcome a new member to the Big Orange Army, Sharon Shirley who sent me a very nice email. I know after last week’s debacle, you are ready to jump on a C-130 transport and leave the Big Orange Nation, and I felt the same way. However, after I slept off the loss, as well as a canteen full of “Daddy Apple Juice,” I know there is still a lot of football to be played, and for now, I am just hoping they play well. Email me anytime, Sharon, I appreciate all the great Vols like you who take time to send me a message!

All right, Vol fans, that is it for this week. Lick your wounds, and find the TV on Saturday night since the Vols are going to need your support when Carolina comes to town in a critical game in the SEC. Rub those orange and white rosaries, repeat your game maxims and never take Coach Fulmer’s name in vain. Go Big Orange!

Week 8 in Big Orange Country

2007-10-16T12:10:00.001-04:00

Tennessee plays Alabama on Saturday. I look forward to this game for 365 days a year since I am old school by nature, and this game is as old school as it gets in the SEC. The Vols and Tide have played every year since 1928, with a few years off due to World War II, so these teams laid the groundwork for the making of what the SEC is today. Every week of the game, I am reminded of what General Neyland and Bear Bryant once said about this rivalry:

“You found out what kind of a person you were when you played against Tennessee.” – Bear Bryant

“You never know about a football player until he has played against Alabama.” – General Neyland

Those are pretty strong words from two pretty strong coaches in the SEC.

The game is a Lincoln Financial 12:30 start, which is 11:30 Tuscaloosa time. Maybe that works in the Vols favor since all the Bama fans won’t have all day to get good and liquored up and pissed off, just like Crum Petree (right) in Funny Farm. The interesting thing is this will be the first time this game has not been shown nationally in almost 20 years. My crack research staff thinks that the last time this game was not shown to the nation was 1988.

This is a special week at home since my daughter, Sofia, gets to learn all about the rivalry. Instead of reading stories about the Three Bears, or Cinderella, the Sarge is reading to her from the book, The Third Saturday in October by Al Browning. I pick out selected years and add stories about my experiences at the games so she knows what the rivalry is all about. General Sweetie is not exactly thrilled, but hey, I am at home with her this week so I get to call the shots as far as the bedtime stories go.

Check out this week’s video blog (right side of the page). The Sarge took a page from one of the greatest movies ever, Braveheart, so hopefully this will get you ready for Saturday’s titanic matchup. I knew the idea would be good when I explained to General Sweetie what I was doing at breakfast the other day, and all she did was close her eyes, shake her head and reply, “Oh, dear God…”

Coach Fulmer’s remarks before the Alabama game

1. Comment on how Josh McNeil's remark, "We are not the nicest guys on earth, including myself," reflects Tennessee's on-field toughness.

A - "Football is not a game for soft people, especially if you are playing in the offensive line or the defensive line. You can't be a soft guy or a nice guy. Off the field, you can be a gentleman, but not on the field, playing the game. Josh McNeil is one of the 'tough' guys we have here."

2. How do you personally get across to the team the historical significance of the Tennessee-Alabama rivalry?

A - "It has been correctly said of Alabama and Tennessee players that they haven't played SEC football until you've been in this game. I will do a good job making sure our players understand how important this game is to the Tennessee people and to the Alabama people."

3. Describe what is involved in the improvement the Vols have made on the defensive side of the field.

A - "We have always played hard, but we were guilty of giving up big plays. We are tackling better and taking care of our responsibilities in filling gaps and so forth. It's an upgrade in playing the fundamentals."

4. What factors have contributed to Arian Foster's development as a productive running back?

A - "Arian has worked hard and has turned his one bad play against Penn State into a motivation tool. He had a good spring. If we can keep him healthy, we are looking at a fantastic junior year for Arian Foster."

5. Comment on the likelihood the outcome of the Alabama game could boil down to the ability to win the close ones.

A - "In the SEC, especially against big rivals, it can turn into a fourth-quarter game. Alabama this season has played a lot of close games, and we don't expect this to be any different. It could come down to one play or two plays deciding it. But every play is important."

Game of the Week

Oregon State 31 – California 28

Oregon State has almost matched their in-state rival for the ugliest uniforms in college football. It looks like they are all wearing sports bras. I will give them a pass since they did beat Cal, which the Vols couldn’t. I guess seeing all that orange for a second time this year was too much for the overrated Bears. And for all the Cal fans who emailed me to thump their chests AFTER the Bears victory over UT in September, I have to ask, if they heard that noise. What noise, Sarge? It was the sound of their team choking…. To quote Nelson from The Simpsons, “HA-HA”

Announcer Review

We had some hilarious yucks this week. One was a story that appeared on SportsCenter about Dennis Franchione at Texas A&M before their game against Texas Tech. There was a Texas Tech logo under Coach Fran’s picture. Who knows, if Coach Fran doesn't start winning a few games, he might wind up at Texas Tech…

“Usually, the Navy goes by the ground or the sea, but this time they are going by air.” John Siebel – ESPN SportsCenter

Good to see Navy going by ground these days. But is it hard to get those ships to sail on land?

"Oh I may be wrong. The people in the production truck are telling me this is reviewable."- Gary Danielson

You ever get the feeling without CBS’ say-so, Danielson wouldn't piss with his pants on fire?

"If you don't want to dangle your participles..."- Pam Ward

Is this a football game or a quiet moment with Emily Post? (I am sure my readers don’t know who that is, so in case you were wondering, she is the chick who wrote that book about etiquette. However, there isn't a chapter on farting, so how much could she really know?)

"You are in midseason form, Tom."- Pat Haden
"It IS midseason."- Tom Hammond
"Oh, right."- Pat Haden

You think Pat has played too many games without his helmet?

"Both the offense and the defense....one's trying to get the advantage over the other."- Andre Ware

The color commentator should have pulled a Hoover from Animal House and said, “Have another beer everyone, Andre’s just kidding….Right, Bluto?”

There's Robin of Locksley, taken the poor and giving them to the rich, and the Illinois are rich with talent right now."- Ray Bentley, talking about Illinois Offensive Mike Locksley

?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

"I'm gonna have to get in there and do a little banging myself."- Melissa Knowles

Hmm, sounds like Melissa could be getting some more air time…

"He wasn't over there long enough to get stiff, but he did get a blow.” Bill Curry

At this rate, when Bill Curry does a game, they won’t play the ESPN college football theme, they will play cheesy porno music.

"That's like comparing Joan Collins to Linda Evans."- Lou Holtz
"Now for a more modern reference, like Eva Longoria to Teri Hatcher."- Rece Davis
"I don't know who that is."- Lou Holtz

Try referencing the Golden Girls next time. That might ring a bell with Lou, although it sounds like Lou has had his bell rung for a long time.

Thanks to Awful Announcing.com for those quotes!

Mailbag

Sarge,

I watched with ABSOLUTE DELIGHT as we beat the tar out of those Georgia Bulldogs, and then when we played the Mississippi State Bulldogs, I thought to myself, "Is this the same team?" I love my Vols, but I am getting to the point in my life where I can't take a lot of stress. I have a teen-age daughter who has just started dating, and a pre-teen son - so I have enough stress in my life without my beloved Vols trying to give me a HEART ATTACK! haha

Seriously, I want the boys to get the same enthusiasm for Alabama as they had for Georgia. With Kentucky beating LSU they will be gunning for us, along with South Carolina and the rest of the teams on our schedule...........

GO VOLS !!! BEAT BAMA !

PFC Tim Munsey
BIG ORANGE ARMY

I know what you mean Tim. I have a newborn daughter and I already have nightmares about meeting her new boyfriend and find out he is some shaggy haired boy coming to my front door wearing a hat backwards from an SEC team that I don’t like. If things get too tough, just do what the Sarge does when he can’t take another minute. Go down to your man cave with a bottle of Daddy’s Apple Juice, put on Foghat’s Greatest Hits, sit in a dark corner and start thinking about Julianne Moore wearing a tight Waffle House waitress uniform. I don’t know about you, but that always cures whatever ails me.

Sergeant Scooter,

As you have been informed the Tennessee-Alabama game is going to be broadcasted on LF Sports this weekend. As far back as I can remember, the Tennessee-Alabama game has always been on CBS, excluding 2002. Do you think this is fair to air the season's biggest rivalry game on a regional broadcast? We have only had 3 games aired this year, no games on ESPN. If I could get some feedback that would be nice. I also have some information that the South Carolina game will air 7:45 ESPN/ESPN2 and College Gameday might be at Fort Neyland, but I am not a 100% sure.

Vols91

Thanks for the email. We did a little checking and found the Vols-Tide game has been on national TV every year from 1989 to 2006. It was either carried by ABC, ESPN or CBS. I was sure the Vols would be the CBS 3:30 game, but Kentucky’s upset of LSU made their game with Florida that much more important, so I think that is why we got the snub. I did some checking with my contact at ESPN and he told me the reason the Vols have not been on ESPN is because of the two early season losses, and the fact LSU, Florida, South Carolina and Kentucky have been up in the polls for most of the year and they are a more compelling story, at least right now. However, you are correct in that the Vols will play South Carolina on ESPN at 7:30 on the 27th since that game will go a long way in determining the East Division Championship. I think if the Vols start winning, they will be a headline team again since their games are critical to the SEC East race.

Sarge:

You and I have kept a fair dialogue since the Florida game, and all has been well since...so I'm not about to break this chain now. Well, a good, solid effort at Mississippi State on Saturday has set the Vols up for the showdown in Tuscaloser. I tell ya Sarge, my dad was the biggest bama fan in the world....as was his dad....and as are my brothers and wife. Thankfully, my wife and I have had little Vols....apparently; the orange is dominant when you mix with crimson. To say all that, I always respected the tide and always did believe them to be a classy program. All through the 60's and 70's here in Alabama, while I was wearing orange....very few people beat them. So, I imagine the class came very easy. We must spank the Tide!

Paul Vol orders victory!!

Paul "VOL" Gore
42nd infantry
Guntersville, AL

Another great email from my good pal, Paul Vol! I agree Paul, the older Bama fans are classy since they know what it means to win. In fact, I respect the Tide and their great tradition since they were the team that got southern football on the map in the 20’s. They were the best team in the south, and going to the Rose Bowl got southern football needed recognition. When General Neyland took over for good in 1926, he scheduled Alabama since he wanted his Vols to step into the national limelight, just like Alabama. Neyland thought playing them would get national attention for the Vols.

Hey Sarge!

Just saw your video blog. I wasn’t able to come up for the Georgia game, but next year when I'm a student up there I will be at every game. Like I said before WE CONTROL OUR OWN DESTINY, if we do that, we will be in Atlanta.

Will Moore

Thanks Will! I know it is going to be tough, but if the Vols can win these games, they will be the surprise story of the SEC, especially after starting 1-2. We still have a long way to go, but keep the faith and we’ll see if the Vols can pull though!

Sgt. Scooter

Good to hear from you, Sarge!! Great game vs. UGA, but I've really been down on Fulmer this year. Not just the two losses, but the same old problems on special teams. Phil’s been fixing kick coverage for years now and until last week we were pathetic. I heard his job was on the line so I guess it needs to be that way each week.

Go Vols
Tony

Hey Tony!

Well, we survived in Starkville but we better bring our A game to Tuscaloosa or it will be a Crimson beat down of seismic proportions. Stay tuned and thanks for the email. It’s great Vol fans like you that deserve to see this team rise from the grave and stun the whole country. Keep the emails coming!

Dear Sarge:

The MSU game was awesome. My friends and some family said UT will lose, but I said they wouldn’t. Go Vols. Go B.O.A.

Sincerely,
P E-1 Patrick

Hey Patrick! Way to back up the brave boys in orange! We’ll need more great Vols like you to support our team on Saturday so don’t miss the game and keep those emails coming!

Thanks Sarge!

I had 2 tickets to that UT -vs- UGA Game and couldn't go. Man I wish I could have been there!! What a game, way to run the ball Coach Cut, and Big John, that defense finally came together and acted like they wanted to win the game. It was beautiful!!

Have a great day, let's go win another one this weekend.

Go BOA, and GO VOLS!!

Joe Lombard

Thanks, Joe! What do you think of this weekend game? If the lines can hold up, we have a chance to win down there. However Bama will be fired up, especially at home, so there are no free lunches in the SEC especially at Alabama.

The Sarge will be back later in the week with more quotes from Coach Fulmer, as well as a look at some of the big games of the week. Until then, rub those orange and white rosary beads, repeat your game maxims and never take Coach Fulmer’s name in vain. Go Vols!

PS- By the way, I had a few emails asking about the game maxims. Here they are for you to repeat this week before the game:

General Robert Neyland's 7 Maxims of Football

1. The team that makes the fewest mistakes will win.
2. Play for and make the breaks and when one comes your way - SCORE.
3. If at first the game - or the breaks - go against you, don't let up... put on more steam.
4. Protect our kickers, our QB, our lead and our ball game.
5. Ball, oskie, cover, block, cut and slice, pursue and gang tackle... for this is the WINNING EDGE.
6. Press the kicking game. Here is where the breaks are made.
7. Carry the fight to our opponent and keep it there for 60 minutes.

Week 7 in Big Orange Country

2007-10-10T08:49:00.000-04:00

It was a surprising weekend in Big Orange Country as the Vols stunned Georgia 35-14. It was a great day for the Sarge too as I got to ride in the Big Orange Tank before the game, and once again, Flame's tailgate party was as festive as usual. Flame's tailgate has been named "Tailgate Of the Year" three times in this decade, so it is one we look forward to every home game.

Let's look at the week that was in Big Orange Country!

Coach Fulmer's Comments about Georgia and Mississippi State

Needless to say, we’re very pleased with our win over Georgia. We played our most complete football game of the year. I really appreciate how the team has continued to have a tremendous attitude as we’ve been going through the season. The fact that we have had to handle some adversity so far, I think will help make our team stronger. We are as healthy as we’ve been in some time, which is very much a blessing.

Mississippi State is a good football team at 4-2. They beat a good Auburn team at Auburn. They’re dangerous, physical, tough guys up front. The running backs and tight ends have my good friend Woodrow McCorvey’s fingerprints all over them. He is a tough guy. Defensively, they are a very multiple, talented group of guys. Titus Brown might be the best defensive lineman we’ve played against to this point. In the kicking game, they are very, very solid; a good team.

VOLS-MISSISSIPPI STATE SET FOR PAY-PER-VIEW

Tennessee’s game this Saturday at Mississippi State is being televised on a pay-per-view basis across the state of Tennessee. Kickoff is scheduled for 2:30 p.m. Eastern (1:30 p.m. Central). Randy Smith will handle the announcing duties for the game.

Saturday with Sgt. Scooter

The day began with the Sarge getting the thrill of a lifetime as I got to ride in the Big Orange Tank around campus with General Jamison and the Big Orange Army. My wife (General Sweetie) and daughter (Private Sofie) joined my tailgating buddies over at the Longbranch Saloon while we got to see all the great Vol fans around campus. Problem was my nephew, Corporal Brandon, seized the opportunity to guzzle down all my PBR's, so by the time I got back to the Longbranch, the ol' Sarge was out of luck. Good thing we had plenty of "Daddy's Apple Juice" to get me through the afternoon.

Private Sofia made her first appearance on campus. Shown here is Sofie, along with Uncle J.L.'s daughter Lindsey and General Sweetie as they posed for an afternoon picture.

My brother, Soup, and I had a ball at the tailgate and at the game. Memorable quote #1, this one from Soup, "If you run out of Daddy's Apple Juice, then I can supply ya a little tickle of the Dickle."

It was really hot on Saturday. It was like my Aunt Molly always says, "It's hotter than a goat's ass in a pepper patch." It was so hot, we had a few people pass out from the heat, and the rest from the bar located at the side of the lot. Memorable quote #2 came from one of Flame's Harley buddies as he drove through the lot to park his motorcycle. He told Flame, "Hell, son, my brother got a hog, and I ended up with a piggie." Coach B looked at me and said, "Now we're in trouble..."

I got around to asking Flame what he does in the off season. He replied, "Well, Sarge, I'll tell ya. The day after the last Tennessee football game, I will sleep until a week before the first game. Then I will put myself through a strict two-a-day regiment, just like the football team, but my two-a-days consist of getting liquored up twice a day so I can get ready for the season." Next year, Flame told me he plans to have a handheld microphone so when people arrive at the tailgate site, he can announce their entry. "Attention, everyone. The Smith family has just arrived at the tailgate. Put your hands together for the Smiths!" After the game, Flame honored a post game victory tradition by clogging in the parking lot. Now there is a great Vol fan! If you ever get up to campus on gameday drop by the site, you will have the time of your life!

Game of the week

Stanford 24 - USC 23

It was good to see a 40 point underdog like Stanford upset USC since the Trojans have won a bazillion games over the last few years and Stanford has lost about that many. That fact alone should tell you this was one of the biggest upsets in college football history. I will say I got a kick out of the Stanfod QB, Tavita Pritchard, when he told the sportscasters, "I thank God for this victory and all things are done through him." Does God really care who wins a college football game? Does he look at the paper on Saturday morning and say, "Hmm, I have to do something about global warming. Wait a second, Stanford is a 40 point underdog. I think I am going to have some fun and let them win. That would be more exciting than to worry about the Earth getting too hot." Once I would like to hear a player say in a post game interview, "I would like to thank the prince of darkness, Satan, for this win. All the really crappy things you can do to someone else can be accomplished through him..."

Announcer Review

"That hit on McCoy was only second to the one I got from the policeman in the elevator after I did my stand-up." - Brad Nessler

The cop should of hit him harder.

"...this Wildcat team had a costly turnover last week." - Ray Bentley, talking about a UNC Player

The UNC Wildcats are looking good this year.

"This thing is completely even at ten, but again the two missed field goals by the Seminoles.....maybe they could be in front here."- Dave Lamont

Maybe, unless they change the points awarded for a missed field goal.

"They are tight-ending Oklahoma to death"- Brad Nessler

Wasn't that a XXX movie with Joey Silvera and Tori Wells?

"Did you see any of those events in 1969?"- Ron Franklin
"I was in my mom most of 1969."- Ed Cunningham

I'm sure The King slapped Cunningham during the commercial break and said, "Look, kid, you handle the analyst stuff, leave the jokes to me..."

"Florida OL Jim Tartt's has a mouthful of Glenn Dorsey all night."- Gary Danielson

And Danielson has had a mouthful of diarrhea all season.

"Virginia Tech went to LSU and got murdered."- Mike Patrick

And they rose from the grave to smack Clemson in the mouth last Saturday.

This week's games:

Wednesday, October 1oth

Navy @ Pittsburgh (ESPN, 8:00 Wed) - Rece Davis, Mark May, Lou Holtz, Quint Kessenich

I shink the Pantherssss will blastsss Navy out of the water, unlesssss their quarterback getsss a shtinger and it losssst for the shssseason....

Saturday, October 13th

Illinois @ Iowa (ESPN2, 12:00) - Pam Ward, Ray Bentley, Quint Kessenich

Can you imagine Lou Holt trying to pronounce Quint Kessenich's name? Mark May would be drowning in saliva.

Louisiana State @ Kentucky (CBS, 3:30) - Verne Lunduqist, Gary Danielson, Tracy Wolfson

Did you hear Danielson on the Florida bandwagon again last Saturday? After a bruising run by the Gators Kestahn Moore was halted by a blast from LSU's Craig Steltz, "The Genius" said, "Well, that might have been a nice hit, but it came after 7 yards so Florida will take that every play." Hmm, Steltz is a monster, but got no love on the play. Moore must have staggered over to the sidelines and quoted Kareen Abdul-Jabbar from Airplane, "I'm busting my buns every Saturday. Tell Dainelson to drag Steltz and Dorsey up and down the field for 60 minutes ..."

Wisconsin @ Penn State (ABC/ESPN, 3:30) - Brad Nessler, Bob Griese, Paul Maguire, Bonnie Bernstein

Paul Manure goes to Happy Valley this weekend, which will be re-named Fatty Valley when the Whopper hits the scene. I think they used Manure as a consultant for the Bad News Bears movie so he could coach that Engelberg kid since that is what Manure must have been like when he was that age.

Texas Tech @ Texas A&M (ABC, 3:30) - Ron Franklin, Ed Cunningham, Jack Arute

Good to see the King getting a plum assignment again. I just hope they can get the game finished before Cunningham is due back at Boystown.

Auburn @ Arkansas (ESPN, 7:45) - Mike Patrick, Todd Blackledge, Holly Rowe

I had a few emails from fans wanting to know where Holly Rowe was going to be this weekend. I had more emails telling me to stop posting where Holly Rowe is going to be this weekend.

Washington @ Arizona State (FSN, 10:15) - Barry Tompkins, Petros Papadakis, Jim Watson

I heard Petros was asked to drive Tompkins to the game since the legal driving age in Arizona was 80 and Tompkins missed that deadline by about a decade. Papadakis was a little worried when he walked to the car, he realized Tompkins drives a stagecoach.

Thanks to the Awful Announcing Page! Check them out at: (http://awfulannouncing.blogspot.com/search/label/The%20Pammies)

This week's Website of the Week is Veho!

Veho let's you set up your personal college football highlight reel with your favorite teams and games. It is a must for the most hardcore college football fan! Start creating your own college football highlights today by going to: http://www.veoh.com/channels/ncaafootball?cmp=NCAAFBanner&Affiliate=volsdiary.blogspot.com&bannerSize=728x90

Mailbag

Dear Sarge,

Thank you for wearing the banner of the Big Orange through the BOA. It makes me proud and does us, the fans, a great service. I love being a part of this outfit, and can't wait for the chance to come up and see some of the orange army family in person. Hey, let's get ready for what will be a certain test at Starkville. The dogs will be tough at home, but I believe the sweet winds of victory and confidence we sucked into our collective lungs last week will serve us well. GO VOLS!

Paul "VOL"
42nd Infantry
Behind enemy lines, and fighting for the orange and white

Thanks, Paul! I was happy to be leading the BOA down Cumberland Ave. last Saturday! With the win and the Gators loss, the Vols control their own destiny in the SEC East. But we have a lot of football to be played so it's a long way from being over. You are one of the few that never lost the faith so take a few Big Orange bucks out of petty cash and have some of "Daddy's Apple Juice" on the Sarge!

Dear Sarge:

Today's game vs. Georgia is how you defend home field. Like you said, if the defense showed up we would have a chance. I think its safe to say they showed up. Our fans were really pumped for this game, that's how it needs to be every time. Florida just got beat, so there are 3 teams in the east that have two losses, there are 3 teams that have only 1 loss, and we are one of them, we have a good chance in the East.

Thanks, Will! Like I mentioned in the BOA Video Blog, I thought I would see you on top of the goalpost! You are right, we have a chance, but we need to take every game one at a time since there are no soft spots in the SEC. Don't sip the kool-aid just yet, but the Vols are back in it. You are one of the great fans who didn't jump ship when UT was down so I applaud you for that. Stay tuned!

OK fans, the Vols are back on Saturday at Starkrville against Mississippi State. The game is on PPV at 2:30 EST so if you can't see it, go to www.utsports.com and listen to it on the internet, or get on the radio and listen to the Vol Network.

Until Saturday, rub those orange and white rosary beads, repeat your game maxims and never take Coach Fulmer's name in vain. Go Vols!!!

Saturday Preview

2007-10-05T07:48:00.000-04:00

Coach Fulmer Comments

“Georgia is a very good football team, offensively and defensively as well as in the kicking game. Even during the course of this week, our focus will continue to be on us, getting where we need to be along with working on the Georgia schemes. As you look at Georgia, one of the most important things that we have to do is play the kicking game extremely well. They have an outstanding punter, kicker and kick returner. We must take care of the football. In the two big games, we did not do that and we lost. That is something that we absolutely must do."

“We have to play the run well, better than we have done to this point. Their two backs are quality backs, hard to tackle and certainly a challenge for anyone that plays them. “Defensively, our challenge is to be consistent in our gap patrol, playing off blocks and making the tackle. The big plays that we have given up have come from these areas that we have addressed during the open date. Offensively, we would certainly like to rush the football better."

“In the kicking game, I’m excited that Britton (Colquitt) is healthy. We do expect him to be able to kick off, and that will help us a lot as far as his hang time and distance and his ability to kick the ball deeper, higher and longer. We have a real challenge in (Mikey) Henderson, a really outstanding punt returner. I’m really happy with what Daniel Lincoln has been able to do this year for us. There is no question that the kicking game will be a big part of this ballgame."

“I like this team a lot. They have character, work ethic, and they have been very responsive to the challenges we’ve thrown out there. Certainly, we’ve been tested as a football team during the course of the year. I don’t know that anybody has played a tougher schedule than we have. All of that should make us better as we go through this SEC stretch."

"Kenny O'Neal for one who is getting ready to help. He brings speed to the receivers corps. One guy I'm really excited for is Nevin McKenzie, who moved from the defensive backfield to linebacker. He's fast and a good tackler."

Tennessee at Mississippi State Game time for Tennessee’s Oct. 13 matchup at Mississippi State has been set for 1:30 p.m. Central time. The game was not selected for telecast by any of the Southeastern Conference’s television partners, but will be available on the Vol Radio Network and PPV.

Saturday Games

Wisconsin @ Illinois (ESPN, 12:00) - Dave Pasch, Andre Ware, Erin Andrews

Erin Andrews must be saying to herself, “I could be in Atlanta sipping a margarita and watching American Gladiators on ESPN Classic instead, I have to hang out with these two ham and eggers…”

Miami @ North Carolina (ESPN2, 12:00) - Pam Ward, Ray Bentley, Rob Simmelkjaer

Pam Ward must be saying to herself, “I could be in Atlanta sipping a Pabst Blue Ribbon and watching Erin Andrews watching American Gladiators on ESPN Classic right now instead of making a fool of myself every Saturday.”

Georgia @ Tennessee (CBS, 3:30) - Craig Bolerjack, Steve Beurelein

I personally will kiss the President of CBS Sports ass in the middle of Peyton Manning Pass and Phillip Fulmer Drive on gameday for not sending “The Genius” Gary Dainelson to cover the UT-UGA game.

Oklahoma v. Texas (ABC, 3:30) - Brad Nessler, Bob Griese, Paul Maguire, Bonnie Bernstein

I wish I could be a cheeseburger salesman in Dallas. Once Manure sees Bevo, there won’t be a cheeseburger to be found in Dallas. When you tell Manure to haul ass, he has to make two trips.

Arizona State @ Washington State (FSN, 4:00) - Barry Tompkins, Petros Papadakis, Michael Eaves

Barry Tompkins. That guy is so old, he was the sideline reporter for the David vs. Goaliath fight. On a brighter note, my boy Petros is going to be in Pullman this week, in case you were wondering. Judging by the emails I’ve received, you haven’t. However, I did get a picture of my boy working it with the USC Song Girls. Hit me on the one time, my Brotha!

Virginia Tech @ Clemson (ESPN, 6:00) - Mike Patrick, Todd Blackledge, Holly Rowe

The winner of the Week #1 sexiest sideline reporter, Holly Rowe, will be in Clemson this weekend. I had an email from a fan who said his fantasy is to hook up with Holly after a game. Get a bottle of Jack, a few cigars, then get naked while reading ESPN’s College Football Encyclopedia. As Ed O’Neil (Glenn the doughnut shop manager) said in Wayne’s World, “Well, the world is a twisted place…”

Central Florida @ East Carolina (CSTV, 7:30) - Tom Hart, Trev Alberts

Hey, is that Trev’s face, of did his neck throw up?

Florida @ Louisiana State (CBS, 8:00) - Verne Lundquist, Gary Danielson, Tracy Wolfson

You know, I would like to see things from “The Genius” Dainelson’s point of view. But I would have to get my head out of my ass to do so.

Nebraska @ Missouri (ESPN, 9:15) - Ron Franklin, Ed Cunningham, Jack Arute

“The King” will be on the big stage Saturday night for those of you who would like to listen to the best announcer in college football.

Blog of the week

There is another great UT Football blog out there you should check out. It is at http://utvolsfootball.blogspot.com. There are several great news items on there, as well as some tee-hees so make sure to check it out! Among the items of jockularity, check out this picture

Mailbag

I told all my Vol friends to check your site out and to send some e-mail of their own to show their support. I am like the other guy on here who said , "COME HELL OR HIGH WATER, I WILL STILL BE A VOLUNTEER"

I have been a VOL for 47 years, and I ain't gonna quit now !!!!

GO VOLS !!!
BEAT THEM DAWGS !!!!!

PFC Tim Munsey
BIG ORANGE ARMY
FIRST INFANTRY DIVISION
EAST TENNESSEE REGION

Thanks, Tim. It is the loyal Vol fans like you that make me look forward to writing this blog, and for sharing in all the fun we have every football season.

Listen, I am doing all I know to do. Today I spent the day on the Tennessee River bass fishing and beholding nature. down below Guntersville dam. I also dropped a token Tennessee quarter into the lake channel for good luck. I feel relatively good about it. But you are right as usual, sir. If the rushing d shows up and can get some pressure... then our db's have to step up and make some plays. I feel like our defense just needs a couple of shots in the arm, and they'll be fine. I feel pretty good about it.

Paul Vol
Somewhere in Alabma

GO VOLS!

Another great post by a great Vol fan, Paul Vol. If the Vols win, will you take me to Vegas? All the stuff you do for good luck has to pay off somewhere, right? ;)

All right, Vol fans, UT vs. UGA on CBS at 3:30, you won't want to miss it. Until then, rub those orange and white rosary beads, repeat your game maxims and never take Coach Fulmer's name in vain. Go Big Orange!

Week 6 in Big Orange Country

2007-10-02T10:51:00.000-04:00

It was upset Saturday in college football, and fortunately, the Vols were not on that list. I know we struggled against Open Week and finally pulled away in the fourth quarter, but this week is where Tennessee either sinks or swims as old foe Georgia comes to Knoxville in an elimination game for the division title.

Tennessee leads the all-time series with Georgia 19-15-2 dating to 1899, although the Bulldogs have won their last three visits to Neyland Stadium. UT rallied for a 51-33 triumph a year ago in Athens—the Vols second straight win at UGA’s Sanford Stadium.

The Big Orange own a 9-8-1 advantage over the Bulldogs in Knoxville, and UT head coach Phillip Fulmer boasts a 10-5 career mark against Georgia. Fulmer won his first eight games against UGA from 1992-99. Those eight triumphs were part of a nine-game win streak for Tennessee against Georgia that marked the longest such streak by either team in the series (1989-99).

Week 5 Recap

I was glad to see Auburn go down to Florida and smash the myth of invincibility of the mighty Gators. Everyone sipped the hater-ade last week and said, “Florida was down after beating Tennessee and played just good enough to win at Ole Miss.” We shall see what kind of team they really have this Saturday in Baton Rouge.

What did you think of the punk move by “The Crier” to try to ice Auburn’s Wes Byrum? If you are so scared of a teenager kicking a football that you try a stunt like that, you need to get out of coaching. As our buddy Dalton from Road House once said, “There’s always barber college.”

Byrum wasn’t fazed. "I really just stopped thinking, because I just did it once," he said. "I stood back there, took my steps and just did it again."

Also, did you see the wristwatches Meyer and Charlie Strong, the defensive coordinator, were wearing? They reminded me of the electa-com wristbands Electro Woman and Dyna Girl wore on that Sid and Marty Krofft show in the 70’s.

What did you think of the uniforms of some of the teams last week? LSU’s white helmets were a fun change, but the jerseys were a little strange. What was the gold and white patch underneath the arms? It looked like the jersey numbers had quotation marks around them. And Minnesota’s uniforms against Ohio State looked like they had been stored in a giant vat of nacho cheese dip.

I am not sure who is better that this point of the season. It has to be either LSU or USC. However, I think if USC sends me any more of these pictures, I would have to vote them #1 in my poll. However, LSU is a close second and could overtake the Trojans by the end of the year. Look at the pictures and tell me who you would vote #1.

Announcer Review

Here are some quotes from last week’s announcers.

"And you think the biggest factor of the first quarter is...." - Verne Lundquist
"The wind. Gosh, if I close my eyes, a Big 10 game's liable to roll in any second." - Gary Danielson

The Genius worked overtime this week to come up with something witty for the CBS game. Gosh, if I close my eyes, will someone roll in and slap him for me?

“He just checked into the empty arms hotel.” - Dave LaMont, after a dropped pass by Georgia Tech’s Greg Smith

Actually, that one was pretty good.

"Sometimes, when you're a Quarterback, you have to win with your arm."- Andre Ware

Really? I thought you won games with your mouth...

"Forget conservative, Auburn is going into Hillary territory on the field."- Mike Patrick on a Tigers 4th down conversion.

And like Bill, the Tigers scored on the play.

"It looked like Dennis Dixon overthrew him and it just stuck to his gloves like Teflon." - Tim Brant

Teflon does the exact opposite of that, Timmy.

"He grasps about 85% of our package...."- Quint Kessenich

Ouch!

"That'll bring up 3rd and 2...do you think about going for it here?"- Thom Brenanman

Sounds like Thom has been hanging out with Gary Danielson and Paul Maguire again.

"Trev, we talked about how penalties really don't have much of an impact on the game except when they happen in the blue zone or the red zone or whatever you call it."- Tom Hart

Covered a lot of football, haven’t you, Tom?

"I like it, because now you don't have to think about how many time outs are left, just look at the top of the screen." - Brad Nessler
"Griese explains the thing every week." - Paul Maguire
"It's still early in the football season, Paul. I'm going to highlight them again later." - Bob Griese
"Bob, you draw the best balls I've ever seen." - Paul Maguire

I think he explains it every week, Manure, because you have been in too many football games without a helmet. And as far as your last comment, I am not quite sure how to approach that one.

Mailbag

Hey Sarge:

People often wonder how I'm such a huge Tennessee fan. I grew up in NYC (on Telemundo TV mind you), I live in Las Vegas, and until 5 yrs ago had never been to
TN...but somehow I have more VOL orange in veins (and my closet) than some UT alumni, and I've learned the fine art of throwing items in my house on game days.
Anyway, I follow the Vols religiously, as well as your weekly written insights...so, I was wondering if everything was okay with the biggest Vol fan we've all come to know and love. Any new quotable gems from Aunt Molly? I miss her. I also miss Jim Bob Cooter sideline sightings, but that’s another story entirely. Please give us some news on Molly, and if possible, arrange some more TV time for Jim Bob.

Viva Los Voluntarios!
Liz Lopez

Ola Liz!

Thanks for the email! Aunt Molly is as feisty as ever. During every off week, Aunt Molly likes to watch a recorded Tennessee game since, as she says, “I get so out of whack when the Vols don’t play, I couldn’t organize a pissing contest in a brewery.” I talked to her this morning to get her take on the game Saturday and she said, “Hell, all the coaches are talking about how they are getting better every day in practice, but as far as I am concerned, they are nothin’ but big hat, no cattle.” (Which means they are all talk and no action). Jim Bob Cooter is a grad assistant with the Vols. If you look closely, you can see him on the sidelines next to Coach Fulmer, so he is getting more TV time now than ever before.

Keep the emails coming, Liz, and Viva Vols!!!!

Sarge:

Thanks for giving me a shout out on your video, that was neat. Like I said before the SEC East is up for grabs again. We have got to beat Georgia. Our fans have to come alive next week. The thing I like is that nobody in the whole country is giving us a chance, its time to show them what we are made of. Its DO or DIE next week, we have to walk out of Neyland winners next week. Tennessee's 12th man is going to have to be a big part of it.

Will Moore

Thanks, Will! Hopefully I will see you on top of the goalpost on Saturday. Bring a hacksaw blade and save me a piece of the post, will ya?

Hey Sarge! This is your correspondent is Knoxville just checking in to tell you that we are gearing up for a battle up here and we will need your to help lead the troops to face the invaders of Fort Neyland. Go Vols and always ready to fight for the orange!

Chris

Chris, thanks for your support! I am looking forward to riding down to the stadium on top of the Big Orange Tank so if you are around the BOA HQ, look for me and I'll see if I can get you a spot next to the Ol' Sarge so we can lead the Big Orange Nation into the biggest battle of our orange and white lives. Keep the faith!

The Sarge has been a little stressed ever since Sunday morning about the game. When I get worried about what is going to go down for our brave boys in orange on the 100 yard battlefield, I do the only thing I know to calm me down. So, on the way into the base this morning, I pulled out my Foghat CD’s and jammed a little. It helped so I highly recommend it.

The only way the Vols can win on Saturday is for the defense to rise up and play the game of the year. If not, it is going to be a long day in Neyland Stadium. If that happens, don’t worry about sending any emails, just send over as much Daddy’s Apple Juice as you can since the ol’ Sarge is going to need it.

Feel free to drop me an email at volsdiary@yahoo.com so we can discuss this week’s game, or any other college football news you would like to talk about. Until next time, rub those orange and white rosary beads, repeat your game maxims and never take Coach Fulmer’s name in vain. Go Big Orange!

Week 5 Mailbag

2007-09-29T09:47:00.000-04:00

In the mailbag this week were some optimistic Vol fans, as well as some who commented on the recent video blog. Let's look at what the Sarge got in mail call this week:

Dear Sgt. Scooter.

Thanks for the shout out. That guy need to be shot. I'm not going near Cedar Bluff and Middlebrook.

Go Vols Go Big Orange Army.

Private E-1 Patrick

Thanks Patrick. The Sarge got out of there with his life. Good thing I was riding in the Big Orange Tank, which saved me from harm...

Enjoyed the blog, as usual. The video clip brought back memories of when I first saw that movie when I was about 12. My buddies here in Alabama had me go with them, and then chuckled at the part they knew was coming up about "don't give a damn bout no Tennessee Vol." ha ha Thanks for mentioning me on the blog by name. Made my crimson clad wife crazy, which was wondrous for me. Have a great week, Sarge, and GO BIG ORANGE!! We need this Georgia game badly, and I think we can get it.

Paul VOL

Paul Vol reminds me of Luca Brasi in The Godfather. After he kisses my rings, I will tell him, "Paul Vol, my dearest and most loyal friend. Keep those emails coming." Now, all I have to do is sick him on those Alabama fans who have been sending me mean emails where they tell me to go and do things that I know are physically and technically impossible. I even checked with a doctor and he confirmed my suspicions...haha

Sarge:

I stand by you and the Vols 100% I'm not jumping ship either. I will bleed Orange till I die.

Patrick Eaddy

Patrick, I appreciate your kind words. Hey, can you do the Sarge a favor? Last week, I was watching the Phillip Fulmer Show and forgot to take Private Sofie to the mess hall, so I got put in the brig by General Sweetie (The Wife). Do you have a couch I can sleep on until this battle ends? ;) Keep those emails coming!

Sarge:

Oh, by the way - did you hear that Tim Tebow is going to be running for president ?!?!?! He's going to be running on the Independent Ticket and his running mate will be Kenny Chesney ! LOL

Tim Munsey
BIG ORANGE ARMY
FIRST INFANTRY DIVISION
EAST TENNESSEE REGION

Thanks, Tim. I found out Tim Tebow is running on all tickets this year. Republican, Democrat, Independent, Whig...you name it. He is also going to run for President, Vice-President, Secretary of State.

Dear Sarge:

My ulcer flared up on Monday of this week. I knew right away it was my ulcer because it was the same feeling I experienced in the short period leading up to my divorce. The only other time I'd experienced any gut pain like that was when a whole fraternity took turns kicking me in the stomach after hustling them in pool at the Longbranch (but that's a whole nother novel). Anyway, I'm laying there doubled over in excruciating pain early Tuesday morning and I'm rehashing all the events of the weekend. Somewhat delirious I start thinking about the Vol Nations marriage to Coach Fulmer and how it could be coming to an end. Unfortunately Coaches are taken for "better" only.

I agree and think that this is THE game for Coach Fulmer. Win and all is forgiven. Lose, and, well.....

All right, Vol fans, enjoy the off week and we'll get back to business on Sunday to get ready for the biggest game of our year so far. This is the Sarge signing off for now!

Week 4 Recap

2007-09-25T22:05:00.000-04:00

Hello Big Orange Nation and welcome to Week 5 of Sgt. Scooter's College Football Report. It's an off week for the Vols and they are still a three point home dog on Saturday, so that should tell you something about our year so far...

Let's get to the week that was!

Arkansas State 27 - Tennessee 48

The Vols erased last week's bitter memory of a loss to Florida by beating the Indians in Knoxville. The Vols are looking to take full advantage of the off week. “The open date fell at a very good time for us,” head coach Philip Fulmer said. “With the big games we've had to play, one on one coast and one on the other, it gives us a chance to get caught up a little bit from a rest standpoint. Our team work today was dedicated to Georgia, offensively and defensively,” Fulmer said.

The Georgia game is scheduled for a 3:30 p.m. kickoff and will air nationally on CBS. Kickoff times and television selections for Tennessee’s remaining six SEC games have yet to be determined by the conference office.

Weekend observations

"Genius" Danielson was at it again this weekend. In addition to crying since he had to do a game that didn't include Florida, he came up with a gem in the second quarter. When LSU's QB Matt Flynn scrambled and had to slide down, he quipped proudly, "Can I get a Touchdown? No. Can I get a 1st Down? No. Then I better just get down..." I felt like Hans from Die Hard. "That's brilliant. You come up with that one all on your own?"

When LSU tried a conservative 3rd down play just before a fake field goal, the Mensa candidate uttered, "Well, I just don't understand that call." Good to see he is finally admitting that he doesn't understand any call. Of course, when LSU's Colt David, who runs like Colt Seivers from The Fall Guy, scored a TD off the fake field goal, Dainelson covered nicely by saying, "Oh, I get it now..." I'm sure Verne Lundquist must have said under his breath, "That will be the only time that happens this year...

Is Les Miles the new Spurrier? I have received a lot of emails from fans all over the SEC mentioning that he is a jerk. Did you see him grinning and jumping up and down with his coaches and players after the fake FG worked? I am all for celebration after a score, but Bryant, Dooley and Neyland would never jump up and down like that. Just something to think about as the season goes on and we see more of Mr. Miles.

One final note about the LSU game, the LSU Golden Girls get my vote for the most fetching little minxes of the SEC. Your thoughts?

Did anyone see Pam Ward during the USF-North Carolina game? Did it look like she had a dog on her head? I thought sure she had stolen my Cousin Howie's toupee. I will say that I am liking the South Florida fans. Those Bull Helmets with the horns sticking out are cool! I want to be an honorary Bulls fan! At least they can beat Auburn, right? ;)

Paul Manure (Maguire) was at it again up at Michigan. He remarked about how tired the lineman must have been during the second half of the Michigan victory over Penn State. He should have mentioned that he usually gets that tired going back and forth to the press room buffet every Saturday. If Manure wanted to make some real money, he could sit in the sun and make a million bucks selling shade.

Why do fans still wave their arms at a field goal kicker in hopes of distracting him? I saw the Florida fans doing it at the Ole Miss game (And it is not just the Gators fans, ALL fans of every school do it). They were tucked away in a small corner of Vaught-Hemingway Stadium waving their arms on a FG try by the Rebs. I am sure the Rebs kicker stopped what he was doing and told the holder, "Wait a sec, there are some people in section 4 that are waving at me about something. Gee, they are really messing up my concentration. They must be a good 50 yards away from the line of scrimmage, but I can see them." As Flick said in A Chirstmas Story, "That's just dumb..."

Sarge's Observations

If I was the king of the NCAA, here is the top then things I would change:

10. All fields must be natural. No artificial turf, which is slowly being phased out in a lot of schools. I would also get rid of the new hybrid turf made out of discarded tires. I miss those November games when the players have wet grass stains, and mud that covers their jersey numbers. We have become too clean to play football, and that is a concept that should NEVER be taken into consideration.

9. All games begin at 1:00pm. I know TV has come in and bullied each school to play by their rules so they can have their precious programming. However, the conferences should just say, "To hell with you, we won't give you the rights unless it's on our terms," then we would see who holds the cards. However, there should be an LSU exemption, since they have been playing games at night before the TV crunch. In fact, when I'm elected King, LSU will play all their home games at night just to honor tradition.

8. Teams can wear any jersey they want. I miss the old pictures of seeing the Vols in orange playing Alabama in the crimson. Johnny Majors even said the colors clashing on a sunny afternoon were breathtaking. I know you can't do white vs. white since one team would have to wear dark jerseys, but I think that would give a little color to the game.

7. Freshman are ineligible. This would make recruiting a less of a headache, since you would have a year for the marginal players to make grades, and it would give all the 18-year-olds time to get stronger and get acclimated to college life.

6. 4 bowl games only. You want to reward a team for going 7-5? How about rewarding them to a spot in the weight room, or spend the Christmas break watching film? Since I am old school, the four bowls would be: Rose, Cotton, Sugar and Orange. The winners of the four games would meet in a semi-final playoff, then have the national championship game the Saturday before the Super Bowl. I know all the old farts sipping that Hater-rade scoff at the idea of a playoff, but if there is one thing about college football we all hate, it's the BCS. Why is college football the only sport in the history of the world that doesn't settle its season on the field?

5. Get rid of the eye black patches. I see the crap players put under their eyes. It used to be black grease, which is traditional and is therefore accepted. Then they came out with those stupid stick on patches, and now, the schools logo is on the patch. The purpose of eye black was to reduce the glare so a player can see better. Now, these so called warriors of the college gridiron look like they just got back from a Lisa Left Eye Lopez Memorial concert. If you want to make a fashion statement, watch the Style Channel. If you want to be a football player, look at Tom Brady, who wears the old school eye black grease smeared under his eyes.

4. Get some real uniforms! The crap Oregon wears is hideous. Cal's baby pee yellow is awful and the road map inspired Miami unis with the stripes going from the Orange Bowl to Jacksonville are an eye sore. Coach B says he will never watch a Pac-10 game because the uniforms keep blowing out the color tubes in his TV. What about the helmets? Don't pull a Virginia and have two stripes getting lost on the way to the back bottom of the helmet. And the stripes on North Carolina's pants just stop and go nowhere. Did they have Jethro working the stripe machine the day they put the stripes on the pants? (Pictures withheld on a count of not wanting to short out anyone's color tube in their computer monitor)

3. No more games on days other than Saturday. Saturday is the holy day, and thou shall not hold a religious service like a college football game on any other day. Thursday is for setting up your tailgate spot. Friday is for the high schools. Sunday is for the pros. Any questions?

2. All girls that go to LSU, Clemson and Auburn games and wear those hot Tiger ears on top of their head get a free pass for life to every college football game. (I wonder if that one comes from my Josie and the Pussycats Fantasy I have had ever since I was a kid?)

1. I would mandate that "The King" Ron Franklin would get his pick of games to announce, no matter what network covered the game. Mike Gottfried would be the analyst. Jill Arrington would be the sideline reporter. Nobody else. End of discussion.

Whew, now that was a list! If you have some rules you would like to see, send them to me at volsdiary@yahoo.com and I will post them on Friday.

All right Vol fans, take a deep breath and savor the off week because we have a lot of work ahead of us! I'll check back in with you on Friday, so until then, rub those orange and white rosary beads, repeat your game maxims, and never take Coach Fulmer's name in vain. Go Big Orange!

Week 4 Pre-Game News and Notes

2007-09-20T16:58:00.001-04:00

Big Orange Army News

Big news from the Big Orange Army as Tennessee Governor Bredesen joins The Big Orange Army! For more on this story, go to www.bigorangearmy.com for all the details!

Coach Fulmer’s Post Practice notes

Tennessee head coach Phillip Fulmer’s words walking off the practice field Wednesday were along the lines Vols fans have been hoping to hear: “We have made ourselves a better football team in the last two days.”

“I’m proud of the way our coaches and our players have gotten themselves ready,” Fulmer said. “We’re still addressing areas we need to work on. We just have to take it from the practice field to the game field and play well. The team seems very focused and I like that.”

Fulmer announced that captains for Saturday’s 7 p.m. kickoff (Vol Network, VideoSeat pay-per-view) are linebacker Jerod Mayo, defensive end Xavier Mitchell, tight end Chris Brown, quarterback Erik Ainge and punter Britton Colquitt.

Colquitt named to Ray Guy Award watch list

The Greater Augusta Sports Council announced Tuesday the watch list for the 2007 Ray Guy Award, and Tennessee junior Britton Colquitt is among the early selectees.

Colquitt is averaging 43.3 yards per punt in the early going of 2007 despite having battled a quadriceps injury suffered late in the preseason. The Knoxville native earned consensus All-SEC honors last season after a 44.9-yard average that was the fourth-best in school history. The Ray Guy Award will be presented live Dec. 6 on ESPN during the Home Depot College Football Awards Show.

Observations from the Sarge

As a public service to all the Vol fans dealing with tough times in the Big Orange Nation, Sgt. Scooter is here to help. Below are some steps you can take to get over the long days between Sunday and Friday after a loss. Trust me, these things work, so I urge that you try them out since we do not want any suicides during football season.

1. Under any circumstances, do not watch ESPN, Fox Sports, or any sports station or talk radio station until at least Wednesday. Try watching QVC, or Telemundo, or eliminate a step and find the Spanish QVC with hotties selling books on how to do your own cat juggling. The idea here is to find a distraction, ANY distraction to get you through until Wednesday.

2. Go down to your man cave, turn out the lights, put on some Foghat, and sip on a little of “Daddy’s Apple Juice” to numb the pain. Then again, the Sarge does that after a loss, a win, or during the orange and white spring game so that can turn into a real knee slapper no matter what time of the year it is…

3. Never, ever, read the Sunday paper because it will put the healing process in retreat. Last weekend, my brother, Soup, who was visiting for the weekend, pulled out the paper at the breakfast table and began reading aloud about the game. I ended up throwing my bowl of Wheaties into the sink from my seat at the table, which was a great throw and catch, but Referee Sweetie (The Wife) blew her whistle and I got a 15 day un-husbandlike conduct penalty which relegated me to the guest room for two weeks. With every word hitting my body I knew what Sonny Corleone must have felt like when Barzini’s goons were lighting him up with machine gun bullets on the causeway.

4. Leave all flags and banners up until Sunday evening. You don’t want your neighbors to start teasing you at the next homeowner’s association meeting. “Yeah, Sarge, you took those flags down so quick after the game, I thought you were surrendering the neighborhood.”

5. Take your bottle of “Daddy’s Apple Juice” and hit yourself over the head like Rudy in Bachelor Party. It won’t change the final score, but it will give you something else to think about for the next few days.

6. Throwing something always helps. My Uncle Frank did his imitation of Lawrence from Everybody’s All-American as he heaved my radio through an open window in the man cave after Foster’s fumble. For the rest of the game, he seemed better, but he also seemed to have a torn rotator cuff, so make sure if you are going to throw something, make it small and light.

7. Breaking furniture is a great cure for the red ass. My partner in crime, Coach B, used to break his kids chairs when things would go wrong, and it seemed to help. Of course, he would spend Sunday at the Babies-R-Us buying kids furniture which was painful since he usually would be hungover, and the sound of screaming kids would be punishment enough as far as his wife was concerned.

I hope those helped. Let’s just pray we don’t have to use those for the rest of the year.

Mailbag

Did anyone here the comment Danielson made in the 1st quarter where he said, and I quote, "The Gator receivers are gooder than most people think." I haven't heard the word gooder since I was 6 yrs old.

Chris, Atlanta, GA

Yeah, I heard it, but the sound of Coach B breaking my daughter’s furniture distracted me for a few minutes. I heard the real reason why Dan Rather is suing CBS is not because of his reporting error, but because he wants whoever hired “The Genius” to be canned since he is an embarrassment to the company, as well as mankind everywhere.

So tell me how do you feel about Tebow? You forgot to add he already has his Law Degree and is going to defend both OJ and Michael Vick. It looks like UT and Notre Dame may be slugging it out for the bottom spot in college football this year. It will be the Sumo Bowl. Fat Phil and Chunky Charlie in a couple of diapers squaring off at mid field.

Dave, Roswell, GA

(In my best Little Enos voice from Smokey and the Bandit) Gimmie a Big Mac and fries on Coach Fulmer and the under on how many times Charlie Weis’ diaper will fall off.

I agree with you about “Super” Lou Holtz. He spent all of 2005 calling D. J. Shockley, D.J. Stokley. Can we get Rece Davis to turn off his oxygen?

Brian, Roanoke, VA

I did some checking, Brian, and found Lou Holtz died in 1923, along with Beano Cook, in a tragic locker room lisping accident. In a Stalin like cover up, ESPN denies the story, but props them both up every week and use computer animation to move their lips.

Sgt. Scooter, tell us it will get better. Tell us we will beat alabama, even if no one else. Help us to hunker down and weather this miserable storm. Help us see the light of day in an orange hue Searge…

Bama Bob, Somewhere in Alabama

Thanks, Bob. I appreciate you taking time to send me a message, although I couldn’t send you a thank you note since you didn’t leave a return email address. I’m not sure why you would be writing to me since it sounds like you are an Alabama fan. How did I guess? Well, you didn’t capitalize your own state name and you didn’t spell Sarge correctly. I guess when your team has had more coaching changes (5) instead of wins (2) over Tennessee since ‘97, a Bama fan like you (fan, not graduate) is apt to be distracted when talking to a Tennessee fan. Tell ya what, Bob, next time you want to send me a message, please get spell check on your computer, and try to have some sense of intelligence, ok? You are giving the real Alabama fans a bad name. (See how the capital A works in the word Alabama?)

I appreciate your blog, your humor, and your sarcasm as I also enjoyed Saturday's broadcast with all the enthusiasm of a purple pelican being corked by a buffalo. But it’s time to make some changes. Special teams coach, defensive line coach, defensive coordinator, and possibly receivers coach all need to go. Let's toss in the secondary coach as I haven't seen a Tennessee defensive back turn around and find the ball in flight since Aunt Bee was threatening to leave Mayberry. I like and support Coach Fulmer, but enough is enough.

Pvt. Paul – Big Orange Army, Alabama

Pvt. Paul, I appreciate your email, and I liked your humor too. I agree our boys have not played well the last few years and the coaches do have to take some responsibility for the team. We have all these great recruiting classes, and what do we have to show for it? Florida has better talent, LSU is awesome, and we have to worry about USC, Georgia and Kentucky in our own division. Just keep the faith, Pvt. Paul, and don’t jump ship just yet since there is a lot of football to be played. I do not think this will be our only loss in the SEC the rest of the year, but I want you to get behind the Vols since they are our team for better or worse. Oh, gee, I sound like I just got married again. And I thought the Vols loss last week was all I had to be concerned about. I am on day five of sleeping the guset room and that really bites…

All right, Vol fans, take a deep breath and let’s look forward to Saturday against Arkansas State. Good thing it is not Arkansas, right? Keep those emails coming in, as well as visit the Big Orange Army website and enlist today if you have not already. Don’t forget to rub those orange and white rosary beads, repeat your game maxims and never take Coach Fulmer’s name in vain. Go Big Orange!

Week 3 Recap

2007-09-18T12:23:00.000-04:00

I mentioned last week if the Vols do not win this game, make your reservations for Shreveport. After seeing what happened at Florida Field on Saturday, you can start making your reservations for Shreveport, but the team might not be playing there, or anywhere for that matter, after November 24th.

Did any of you get sick of hearing about how great Tim Tebow is? Sure, he is a great quarterback, but Gary Dainelson, spoke non-stop about him all day long. More on that loss later in the Blog. Even ESPN did a feature on him and mixed in clips from the original Superman movie. On CBS, every commercial break they closed with him, then opened with footage of whatever he was doing. When they showed him with the T on his chest during warmups, that was the last straw. However, Superman looked like Stuipdman trying to tackle Eric Berry on the interception he took back for a TD.

*BLOG ALERT*

Tim Tebow just found Madeline McCann, Natalee Holloway, Amelia Earhart, Jimmy Hoffa and where I left my Hogan's Heroes lunchbox when I was in 3rd grade.

All right, let's get on with this week's report. By the way, if there are parts of this Blog that make you laugh, Tim Tebow wrote them....

I knew this was not going to be a good weekend when we went to dinner at the local Mexican restaurant on Friday night. I sat down and noticed the TV was showing a Spanish Soap Opera. It had the usual Telemundo script: bad guys in cowboy outfits, big chested blond Spanish women and a lot of bad acting. I asked our waitress, Lupe, if she could change the channel to ESPN, and she shook her head, "No, Senior, I no change da channel." Then the house musician, and I use that phrase VERY loosely, waddled over to our table and began strumming his guitar. I was suspicious since he looked a lot like former Atlanta Braves pitcher Juan Berenger, and when I asked him if he could play Rocky Top, he shook his head, "Only Macarena!" So he broke into the Macarena, and everyone in the place, except for me, began dancing. The real pain came when my wife made me pry out a couple of bucks for his tip. I wanted to give him a tip, and that was to start watching as many Carols Santana videos as he could find and leave me the hell alone.

I just found out, Tim Tebow is going to be appearing at all local Atlanta Mexican restaurants playing and singing every song every written.

Then comes Saturday. I have had some bad days in my life as a Tennessee fan, but this was about as bad as it got. Even on the Phillip Fulmer Show, the Coach said, "Now that's piss poor tackling." Whow there, big fella, this is supposed to be a family show... You knew it was not our day when CBS put up a graphic of Coach Chavis, and it was spelled Shavis... My partner in crime, Coach B, summed it up nicely when he said, "This is going to get bowling shoe ugly..."

And what was Kenny Chesney doing wearing a Florida helmet and singing with Tim Tebow? I feel like he pulled a Paulie from The Godfather on all us Vol fans. "Hey, Paulie sold out the old man. Get rid of that shtuts first thing." Where is Sonny and Clemenza when you need them?

E! News has just reported Tim Tebow's hit, "Drop kick me Jesus through the goalposts of life," has just made it to #1.

Announcer Review

Sgt. Scooter was eaten up with the red ass after listening to another brilliant installment of "The Genius" Gary Danielson getting his usual diarrhea of the mouth for four hours on Saturday afternoon. This boob has a thing for Florida, and if you listen to him closely (Although I wouldn't recommend it) he LOVES the Gators, especially Tim Tebow. When "Superman" threw an interception, Danielson talked over the classy Verne Lundquist (Who is in the Ron Franklin level of announcers) to say, "That's not his fault. The receiver should have come back and broken up the pass." Um, Tebow threw the pass, you Bozo Deluxe, it WAS his fault... Another insightful observation came after a flag was thrown. (Ronnie Milsap has more insights that this meathead). "Tennessee is really hoping that flag is on Florida." Don't worry about stating the obvious, Genius, the merely obvious will do. When CBS showed the Florida coaches box at halftime, Danielson remarked, "Oh, those guys are probably talking about where they are going for dinner." There were 30 minutes left in the game so that was a little early for that comment, don't you think? This week, I expect to see a commercial with Danielson in his backyard as his kids come home. He'll be there with Tim Tebow, showing him how to throw a pass, similar to the Manning commercial from Direct TV. Then again, I have seen Dainelson throw a pass and he sucks at that too.

This just in, Tim Tebow to start shooting Direct TV commercial with Gary Danielson. He will produce, direct, write, run the camera, be the gaffer and play all the parts as well.

I get a call from my Aunt Molly, who had put away the better half of a bottle of vodka, and in a rather saucy tone stated, "I am going to your site to change my vote to Dainelson as the biggest toolbag on tv."

Weekend Observations

Did you catch the ESPN game where Pitt was playing at Michigan State? I loved hearing a Pitt lineman walk over to the bench and yell, "Who's tired? I'm not (explicative) tired..." Where is that silly seven second delay where you need it? Either that, or Lou Holtz was asleep at the switch again.

ESPN News has confirmed Tim Tebow will run all seven second delay switches on all TV stations for the rest of eternity.

Speaking of Super Lou, did you catch his usual "on the mark" comment about the Alabama defense? "Alabama will never be weak on defense as long as Lou Saban is there." Rece Davis chimed in with a great Ty Webb remark, "Um, Nick...Lou..."

Good to see Paul Maguire at the Michigan-Notre Dame game. I was glad he was doing to game in the Big House since that is the only stadium he would be able to fit inside. Every time my Uncle Frank sees Maguire on TV, he will yell an obscenity and say, "I hate that Paul Manure..."

Tim Tebow just saved me money on my car insurance.

Coming later this week, what steps you can take to recover from an ugly Tennessee Vols football loss. Tim Tebow will be the guest blogger. Send your comments to: volsdiary@yahoo.com

Week 3 News and Notes

2007-09-13T15:30:00.000-04:00

BIG ORANGE VOTES LIFT AINGE’S CHANCES FOR THE O’BRIEN

Fans of Tennessee quarterback Erik Ainge can help the Vols senior quarterback win the 2007 Davey O’Brien National Quarterback Award® (The O’Brien) by voting online throughout the season. Fans can cast their ballots once daily on The O’Brien’s updated Web site, www.DaveyOBrien.com, in hopes of moving their pick to the final round.

Ainge is off to a flying start for the Vols, having completed 66.3 percent of his passes (55-of-83) for 547 yards and five touchdowns without an interception in the team's first two games.

THURSDAY Q&A WITH DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR JOHN CHAVIS

What have you stressed the most to the defense in the film room?

“Fundamentals. That’s where we need to improve. Fundamentals, techniques, and being in the right position to make plays.”

Do you prepare any differently for Tim Tebow than you did Chris Leak?

“He is a guy that is probably a little bit better runner. He is going to run the ball himself a little bit more, and they have tailored the offense around him. Last year, they did more things that were tailor made for Leak.”

Urban Meyer has more of his personnel in the offense now. Do you expect different looks this year, or just better athletes?

“I don’t think we’ll see very much that is different. We’ll see that they do a little bit of everything anyway. They do a great job coaching, and they have great athletes. We expect to see the result of that on Saturday.”

What’s the biggest challenge in defending the spread option?

“You have to defend the entire field, and you have to be able to make plays on great athletes in open space. That’s what makes it so effective. They get the ball to their most talented athletes in open space. Our challenge is to make the play in our first opportunity.”

The defense was spread out some by both Cal and Southern Miss. Will having played against those two offenses help on Saturday?

“We’ve done quite well. It depends on how we match up. If we can match up our speed with their speed, then we certainly have a chance to limit what they can do.”

The defensive key to winning this game has always been to stop the run. Playing against such a unique offense, does that rule still apply?

“I think that is still a big part of having success against them. If you can run the football, you have a chance to win championships. That’s how you do it. You run the football, and you stop the run."

Week 3 College Football Report

2007-09-11T12:59:00.000-04:00

The showdown is here as Tennessee goes to Gainesville to play Florida in a critical early season matchup in the SEC. As our good friend Judge Smails once said, "Oh, Billy, Billy, Billy...this is a biggie....don't let me down..." A win by the Vols will erase all memories of the Berkeley Bashing and give the Big Orange a boost in the divisional race. A loss, and.....well, make plans for Shreveport in late December.

The big news in Knoxville is The Big Orange Army has gotten approval to rename Neyland Stadium to Fort Neyland, similar to The Swamp in Florida and Death Valley at LSU and Clemson. Senator Tim Burchett made the announcement last week, along with the Mayor and David Keith. 108,000 solider strong every Saturday at Fort Neyland. For more information go to www.bigorangearmy.com for details. Also, check out my video blog on the BOA site for more information!

Last Weekend's Observations

Was it just me, or did Lee Corso look like Rain Man during the College Football Final segment with Chris Fowler? He was hopping around like a finalist for the Joe Cocker Karaoke Contest. Either that, or Kirk Herbstreit was giving him a hot foot off camera.

What is this fascination with ESPN having Pam Ward as an announcer? She's not that solid as a play by play person, and Mike Gottfried has to be sitting there like Officer Bimbo from Hollywood Knights saying to himself, "I can't believe the stuff that has happened to me today..." I heard that when Pam Ward walks into a TV booth, the mice jump on chairs...

Does Charlie Weis remind you of a villain from a Dick Tracy movie? "Watch out guys, 'Whopper Man' has just walked into the press room. Hide the buffet or none of us will get to eat!"

Vols this week

Tennessee at Florida
3:30pm - CBS

Quotes from Coach Fulmer

"Florida is good on both sides of the ball and strong in the kicking game as well. We're concerned with the speed and talent they have everywhere. It will be our 11 and their 11, and we will see how we match up. They spread the ball around on offense, and they are very aggressive defensively. We've been tested in two tough football games, and it should make us a better team."

Injury Report

Tennessee head athletic trainer Jason McVeigh reports that an MRI revealed senior defensive back Antonio Gaines suffered a torn anterior cruciate ligament Saturday and will miss the rest of the 2007 football season.

Fifth-ranked Florida will be without receiver Andre Caldwell for Saturday's game. Caldwell sprained his medial collateral ligament and could be sidelined at least two weeks.

"That's a blow," coach Urban Meyer said Monday. "That's a frontal shot right there."

And coach Urban Meyer said speedster Percy Harvin now has tendinitis in his knee in addition to the tendinitis in his Achilles tendon that has bothered him the last few weeks.

Harvin was limited in practice last week because of the Achilles tendon problems and was supposed to play sparingly against the Trojans. He will play against Tennessee.

Mailbag

From Scott K. in Iraq:

SGT Scooter,

Well another early Sunday morning has come upon the forward deployed BOA soldiers stationed here at Camp Stryker Baghdad, Iraq, We all have our BOA helmets, BOA T-shirts on. The Big Orange flags are currently flying high amidst growing opposition but we will support and defend our true colors here. The grill got started about 2 hours ago as we are also tailgating. On the menu today is a wide assortment of beef, chicken and swine, but everyone is waiting for the main course meal, Golden Eagle is what we are all wanting! We will get this sometime elusive bird in the form of a BIG ORANGE win at Ft Neyland tonight. Although the game is not televised here, we will follow all the plays via the magical voices of Bob Kesling, Tim Priest and Mike Stowell. We all wish we could be with the rest of the BOA there at Ft Neyland but a different type of mission is already in place. We will continue to support our nation’s colors as well as the colors Orange and White. Our current mission set here is for the BOA is to recruit as many new soldiers to join our ranks and be the strongest fan base in all the land!

If you listen hard enough during tonight’s game you will be able to hear us cheering our team to another win, and starting a 13 game winning streak including wins in the SEC championship game, and another National Championship.

God bless our military, the United States and the BIG ORANGE ARMY!!!!

Best Regards,

PVT Kaeding

PS- Please keep the videos coming! We are all anxious, and love hearing all the updates!!

Thanks, Scott. We appreciate all of your hard work defending our country. We hope to have you back in Big Orange Country soon and keep the faith this Saturday!

From Mark C:

Coach Scooter,

Saw your U-tube broadcast. I liked it...except one thing. The comment concerning Brent Musbruger- That I LOVED. If I were the sole judge and had to decide on awarding the "Most annoying and retarded sounding sports authority of the Decade", it would be a virtual toss-up between Musburger and LOU HOLTZ. Good Gosh what a complete pair of jackasses. Why on earth would ESPN, I mean what could EVER posses the upper echelon at ESPN to hire Holtz as a commentator? I would rather listen to the teacher on Charlie Brown give a 2 hour recitation on parasitic protozoa in Uganda than have to listen to Holtz for 5 minutes. His voice is somewhere between the sound of drilling borer bees and a vomiting turkey vulture. While Musburger somehow manages to ALWAYS appear as being the quintessential sports junkie wannabee, knowing little about football and less about the referee signals, Holtz does know football but allows his bias and favortism to override any objectivity..PERIOD. Both of them are equally worthless as commentators. I propose taking cardboard cutouts of each and using the Big Orange Army Tank to blow the cutouts into smithereens...ON NATIONAL TV. Holtz predicts Tim Tebow to be in the running for the Heisman. When reminded that Tebow's only passing yards came against WESTERN KENTUCKY...yeah Western Kentucky, Holtz responded by expelling that little smirky huh-huh and exclaiming "yeah and he will have those kind of yards against TENNESSEE, Georgia, LSU and everybody else he faces." W h a t e v e r Holtz...go back into retirement and talk about your glory days with SOMEONE WHO GIVES A CRAP ABOUT ANYTHING YOU HAVE TO SAY. Vols Rock.

God love that Mark! I can just imagine him sitting in front of his computer spitting nails like Gabby Johnson in Blazing Saddles. I love his passion and energy for the Vols and hope he keeps writing in! Can the rest of the Big Orange Nation top his emails? If so, this will be an EXCITING season on the College Football Report!

That's all for Week 3, Vol Fans! Keep the faith on Saturday since Coach Fulmer and the Vols will need all of our support. Rub those orange and white rosary beads, repeat your game maxims and never take Coach Fulmer's name in vain. Don't forget to watch Sgt. Scooter's video blog on You Tube, as well as visit www.bigorangearmy.com. See you next week. GO VOLS!!

My Fox Sports Blog (December) Vol. 2

2006-05-22T15:34:00.000-04:00

Here is a post from my Fox Sports Blog for you to read until I get more postings on my Blog. Enjoy!

Coach Scooter presents his Christmas list! it includes Julianne Moore in a tight Waffle House waitress uniform, less Terrell Owens and much more Holly Rowe (right).

Since it is Christmas, I thought I would make my own list of presents I wanted to find under the tree on the 25^th. I just hope Santa has relaxed that naughty policy I have heard about all my life. Well, let's start with:

Santa, could you give me more players like Reggie Bush, Vince Young and D.J. Shockley? And maybe less of those Nike created football uniforms Florida, Miami and Virginia Tech wore last year?

Could you get Mike Gottfried and Ron Franklin to do one more college football game together? These two were the Martin and Lewis, the Fred and Ginger, and peanut butter and jelly of the business. I promise to leave a few extra cookies if you could get Franklin to say, "He's got five, he's got ten," and "The line to make is the 27."

Santa, do you think you could get the guys at ESPN to stop producing movies like Codebreakers and The Junction Boys, and instead produce something different, like a movie about a crime fighting trio of Erin Andrews, Jill Arrington and Alex Flannigan known as ESPN's Angels? They would use their sideline reporting of college football games as a cover for their real job, which is to snuff out crimes. This week's episode could feature the blonde bombshells thwarting a plot by Shelley Smith to corner the pre-game production buffet before College Game Day.

Hey, Nick, could you make it so Terrell Owens has to work for a living like the rest of us? I mean real work, like being the shift manager at Dennys, or a supervisor at a Chrysler plant. I work my butt off for 33,000 a year, and this guy can't make it on over 40 million a year? You have to ask yourself what kind of society we live in where a guy gets all that money for playing a game while the real heroes like fireman, soldiers, policemen and teachers are grossly underpaid.

Just so you know I am not complaining, I will say thanks for Gary Thorne, Vin Scully and Mike Patrick

Speaking of Mike Patrick, I hate watching the ESPN Sunday night game since I have to listen to those two "Know It Alls" Joe Theisman and Paul McGuire. After five minutes of listening those pompous has beens, I get an urge to go out a scrape my face on the pavement. Oh, how I long for those lazy June afternoons watching the WNBA.

Hey, Nick, could you send me a little more John Facenda? Just as everyone else here, I grew up listening to him on those wonderful NFL Films and know we lost a great voice of the game. Could you imagine the first conversation Facenda had with God? I don't know if I could tell who was speaking since I always thought God was doing the voiceovers for NFL Films.

Santa Baby, have you heard the ESPN Monday morning NFL highlight package with the "I love, blah, blah, blah, and the twins?" Talk about getting the Monday morning red ass. Could you do me a favor and find whoever is responsible for that earache and send over Shelley Smith to eat at their house since she got locked out of the pre-production buffet?

Thanks for Field of Dreams, Miracle, Brian's Song, For Love of the Game, Caddyshack, The Bad News Bears (Original), Any Given Sunday, Hoosiers, Bull Durham, Rudy, Blue Chips, Major League, Everybody's All-American, Seabiscuit and Slapshot.

And could you please return: Necessary Roughness, The Slugger's Wife, The Bad News Bears Go to Japan, The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh, Wildcats, and Rollerball.

I know this is asking a lot, but could you arrange it so I could go to Waffle House on Christmas Morning and be served waffles from Julianne Moore in a tight waitress uniform? I know that's not sports related, but I figured since it was Christmas, one extra request wouldn't hurt.

Thanks for bringing back the NHL. Another winter with only the NBA to watch made me want to hold up in my condo, consume only Funions and Old Milwaukee Beer while listening to my Jethro Tull albums until the spring thaw.

Hey Santa, Coach B wanted me to ask if you could land your sleigh on top of the Sports Reporters. The show gives him a case of the red ass.

Can you teach Michael Irvin how to lie better?

Santa, what is up with Big and Rich? My Aunt Molly calls them Big and Stupid, and after watching ESPN's College Game Day all fall, I tend to agree. You wait and see, by next fall they will be opening up for Harvey the Diving Mule at the Daytona Horse Show.

Can we get Stuart Scott and John Madden in a room and teach them each other's lingo so they can understand each other on camera?

More Holly Rowe and less Jack Arute! Yeah, I know that's a tough trade, but there is something about that little minx that makes my heart beat faster. Maybe it's that Cinderella complex since she is on the same station as Erin Andrews, Jill Arrington and Alex Flannigan, but you have to figure she would be much more fun to hang out with. Give her a few shots of bourbon, a good cigar and the college football encyclopedia and that would be a night to remember, my brotha!

That's my list. What do you think?

My Fox Sports Blog (December) Vol. 1

2006-05-22T15:19:00.000-04:00

This is from the Fox Sports Blog I did last December. I figured I would post this so you'd have something to read until I added more to my Blog. Enjoy!

This week on Coach Scooter's Fox Blog: Will we have a college football playoff any time soon, thoughts on my awful fantasy football team and the autopsy on Beano Cook revel's he died 30 years ago but is STILL on ESPN!

College football playoff?

I was watching the Northern Iowa vs. Texas State game on Friday night and it made me think of a few things while sipping on my Schlitz and eating Christmas cookies, which I must admit was a rather unique taste.

First off, I thought Texas State had a female kicker and a QB who was like 46. When I called my co-conspirator for pre-meditated mischief, Coach B, to confirm this, he told me that was a movie and to either sober up, or drink the rest of the six pack. I chose the latter.

As I watched the game, it got me to thinking about all the jugheads who say we don’t need a playoff. If Northern Iowa and Texas State can be playing in December, why can’t Iowa and Texas? Be honest, guys, and say money is the reason. Even Stevie Wonder can see the powers that be are all afraid of breaking tradition, even though it will make everyone richer. If you want to ruin the best sport of them all by not settling the championship on the field instead of hearsay, fine, but at least have the testicular fortitude to stand up in front of the cameras and say, “We don’t want to have a playoff because we are afraid of only making ten million dollars instead of eleven million.” Is college football being run by a mob of Gordon Gekko wannabes? How many yachts do these guys want to water ski behind? Oh, and one final thought about the NIU-TSU game. I thought Stacey Dales-Schurman’s cowboy hat was rather fetching. It’s like The Geek in Sixteen Candles says, “A girl in a hat is so vogue…”

Fantasy Football

I have to tell you about my fantasy football league while I have a second before my Red Barron Pizza is ready to come out of the oven. My team has scored the most points in the league, yet we are at a disappointing 6-7 and are battling for the final playoff spot. Being a long time Lions fan, the first thing that came to my mind when I lost last week was to fire Wayne Fonts, since he must be behind this mess. However, the losses are my responsibility, so I have decided to find out where Wayne Fonts is working, convince his boss to fire him, then do what I always do when my favorite college team, Tennessee, loses. I get plastered on Jack Daniels and watch Telemundo, since I don’t have the heart to watch ESPN because the highlights make me cry. Just so you know, as bad as my Vols and my fantasy football team has been this year, I can now speak Spanish fluently, and have a drinking problem I really need to address.

Please run the table Indy!

Will the Colts go 16-0? Since I have always held the Colts second to my Lions as the team I root for, I am praying like hell they can pull it off. You know why? I am really getting sick of seeing those old farts from the ’72 Miami Dolphins rubbing everyone’s nose in their triumph that happened over 30 years ago by drinking a champagne toast after the last undefeated team loses. Is this the only thing these guys are proud of over the last three decades? You know, a lot has changed since 1972 so I think those guys should get a life. Instead of waiting until the last undefeated team loses, then getting liquored up and reminiscing about the time Jim Kiick farted on Larry Csonka in a pile during the ’72 Baltimore game, why don’t they find the sharpest razor in the world, then go over to Manny Fernandez’s house and ask if they can shave off those mutton chop sideburns. That would be a lot more productive and maybe they can put it on pay per view somewhere so someone can make a buck. Hey Peyton, Edge, Marvin, Dwight, do the world a favor and win out so we don’t have to see Manny’s mutton’s, will ya?

This week’s Red Ass Report

When Beano Cook is shown on ESPN, should I pull an Elvis and shoot out my TV? It gives me the preverbal red ass when a windbag like this gets a ton of cash for sitting on his can once a week (And only during football season for that matter) while I have to replace my bullet hole ridden TV set every Saturday. Surely, Beano Cook must have died in 1950. I know for a fact ESPN props him up in a chair every Saturday, then makes his mouth move through computer animation. Maybe his brain needs a new computer chip since this guy went out with the single wing offense and the flying wedge. Anyone who thought Ron Powlus would win two Heismans and UCLA would upset USC this season has my vote for broadcaster of the year. I can imagine the conversation the ESPN execs had sitting around the conference room table the day they hired him. “Well, Les Nessman couldn’t get out of his contract at WKRP, but there is a guy over at this AM station in Pittsburgh that finished second to Les in the Silver Sow Awards last year that might be available.”